Friday, February 27, 2009

A story about April written by Clay

**Guest post by Clay

April and I had been married a couple months and April was still in her "I don't like Clay very much" phase of life, partially because we lived in a small, ramshackle rental house, it was a pit...with a back stoop.

It was a Saturday morning, April was heading out to work at the animal hospital and I was still in my big red bathrobe sporting some major bed head. I said goodbye to April and heard the screen door slam behind her. Then I heard the "incident."
My first indication that something was amiss was when I heard an ear piercing shriek and five or six terrified "CLAAAAAYYYs." I know that many of you haven't had the pleasure of April's spine-tingling, terrified shrieks, but I am the recipient of one every four or five minutes. They usually happen when a bug is within 25 feet of the house, but they also happen when she is in a room and I come in and "scare" her. They go something like this:

April: [doing something and more often than not, having a conversation with herself] "oh yes, thank you for asking, I've been a professional blogger for many years now and..."

ME: [bang, bang, bang...that's me walking into the room, very loudly] "um....April"

ME: I'm sorry. [At this point I usually just back out of the room with my hands in a "don't be mad" sort of way.]

I get blamed for floating in and scaring her on purpose but this has happened to other people as well so I know it's not just me. It even happened to one poor sap who was walking in front of our house...on the sidewalk, you know, where people usually walk. April was clipping a hedge at the time. It went something like this:

April: [Clip, clip, clip] "oh yes, thank you for asking, I've been a master gardener for many years now and..."

Man on the Street: [bang, bang, bang...that's the guy walking on the sidewalk, very loudly] "Hello"
April: "SHHRRRRIIIEEEEEEKKKKK!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING!" Man on the Street: I'm sorry. [Man backs away with his hands up.]

Anyway, the hair-raising shrieks happened and I, being a dutiful husband, ran to her aid through the back door and stopped...and stared...and was confused. April was lying high sided on her stomach about two steps down with her head facing downhill and her arms and legs behind her body as if she was a skydiver gaining speed before the chute opens.

There were only four steps.
She was high sided on the second step. I stood there and wondered, "Does she really need me to help her up? I mean, all she has to do is put her hands down. Is she trying to slide across the yard? How did she get into that position in the first place? She was only out here for about three seconds. What the heck?"

All the while, the shrieks and screams continued until April craned her head around and saw me standing there, kind of stupefied. She gathered that I wasn't reaching down to help her so she turned down the volume...slowly and started to rise to her feet...slowly.
In those three or four minutes I had the chance to look down at myself and notice that my robe was wide open and my lily white boxers and my lily white skin were gleaming in the sunlight. And I'm not kidding about the colors. I don't tan a lick and I have very clean underwear. In fact, they were pretty much the same shade of bright, especially for anyone who squints or happens to be standing more than 15 feet away.

I raised my eyes past April as she rolled back and forth enough to gain the momentum to get up and saw our back-door neighbor standing slack jawed and shirtless watching the whole thing. Sigh.
This very neighbor also happened to be holding all the materials for installing a new mailbox and was heading for the very spot where his old mailbox used to be. In the very spot where April, two days prior, had run aground with our car sending his old mailbox hurling halfway up his yard. And that happened right before she peeled out and left the scene while I stood there just shaking my head. So what was I going to do? I gave him a pleasant "how you doing" wave, a "this kind of stuff happens all the time" smirk, a "I hope your project goes well" thumbs up, and a "what kind of person would bash your mailbox and not pay for it" shrug. Then I closed my robe, turned and walked back into the house.

I think my wife might have made it to work on time with most of her pride splattered on the back stoop, but I didn't hang around long enough to check.


Shannon said...

Again, coworkers craning their necks over cubicle walls to see why I'm giggling. Happens a lot when I read this blog! Thanks for the morning chuckle - I could completely visualize April sprawled on the stoop.

Donna Boucher said...

What great writing.

It's fun to laugh at April, isn't it?

She's funny.

So are you, Mr. Lilywhite!

Jenni said...

You two must be the perfect pair. You're both hilarious. I think you could have a winning sitcom or reality show just by allowing people to follow you around and film your daily lives.

cndymkr / jean said...

Poor April. I can't believe you just left her there. Maybe if you had some colored underwear you would have been better prepared to rescue her.

Donna said...

He's not only cute, he's funny too! More, please!

I love posts like this that leave me smiling.

Trisha said...

Soooo . . . did you ever find out what happened to land April in that position? Did her neighbor with the mailbox scare her? I am curious!

Clay, you write a mean blog!

Rechelle said...

Can we call Clay, 'Lilywhite' from now on. April you could be 'Lilywhite's Lilywhite wife'

Stephanie said...

Thank you for is a hilarious story....We often "hear" Rechelles view on April...It's nice to get a different perspective...

Kim said...

There's no way I can ever show my husband this post. I've been bugging him to do a guest post on my blog for months, but if he ever saw this he would refuse me forever because he'd know he could never come up with anything funnier than this.
I am glad I work in an office where I can keep my door closed because I laughed really hard just now.

Gladys said...

Dear April,

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your husband by frying pan. I hope the life insurance was adequate enough to provide for you and the children. Since I know things are going to be a little tight what with your Dave Ramseian envelopes I hope you don't mind if I send you an new iron skillet to replace the one with Clay's head imprinted in it.

Your Friend

Southern Gal said...

This made me laugh out loud! Of course, if it had been me, I would have been PISSED if my husband hadn't made a big deal out of "are you ok?" over & over :)

Annette said...

So hilarious!! I laughed so hard reading this blog, my eyes AND nose watered! Thanks for the great post!

Coffee Bean said...

Gladys is my favorite blog commenter! Her comments on my blog always crack me up and then when I find her at other blogs... I crack up some more!

Great post Mr. Lilywhite! I'm glad April keeps your undies white! Assuming she does the laundry. If you do your own laundry... I'm gonna beat my husband upside the head with our frying pan. I'm sure Gladys will send me another one too!

Becky Meyers said... should guest blog about april more often!! so much fun!!

Leila said...

I'm sure your neighbor was extremely happy to have another great story to tell about the crazy people next door!
Clay, and I call you Clay because I feel I know you, you are very funny!

Sally-Ann said...

I should know better by now, and not take a big drink of diet coke before I read this blog. Thankfully, this time it wasn't sprayed all over my screen, I nearly choked to death however. Why didn't Clay pick April up???? Or at least render assistance???? I agree with others who suggested a sitcom - The Clay and April Show.

Mama DB said...

And this is exactly why my husband doesn't get the password for MY blog.

Um, April? The mailbox?

carsick said...

Todays blog was awesome!!! The posts are even better!!!!!!! I really needed a chuckle today and instead I got a full belly snort like a pig laugh

Linda said...

Oh my ... cracking up funny here.

Clay, you seriously need your own blog!

Karen Deborah said...

It's a match made in heaven your BOTH crazy!

Becky said...

You two are both hilarious!

Clayvessel said...


I'm SO glad you had those lily white boxers on!

Now- if it had been MY husband in a situation like that, it would have been an even funnier show!

Fran said...

Of course, you just had Clay write this hilarious post to divert our attention from the fact that you have yet to share a photo of the new haircut. Are you waiting for it to grow out???

Sandy said...

I second the sitcom / reality show idea. T-O-T-A-L-L-Y-!!!!!

Lori Shaffer said...

Clay (and I call you Clay because I feel I know you), how does it feel to have women you've never met fawning over you?

I guess you are kinda cute and kinda clever...even to those of us who know you.

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