Monday, October 30, 2006

What I do when I'm driving.

Do you ever pretend like your being interviewed? I do, all the time. When I was young I'd spend countless moments in front of the bathroom mirror doing an interview with myself and of course I'd break to commercials with whatever beauty product was within reach. Now I just mumble answers to the NPR host while I'm driving. Unfortunately, my daughter catches me mumbling, making ridiculous facial expressions or hand gestures and asks who I'm talking too. The really funny thing is that I remember my mom doing the exact same thing. I tell my daughter it's only a matter of time before she too will become a daily driving interview.

So today, as I drove to the gawd awful Crestwood Mall, please remind me not to go there again, ever, I asked myself what my work history was. Get comfortable, it's a long interview.

On today's show I'm talking to April, the woman who interviews herself. Thanks for being here April. Why don't you tell us about all the weird and whacko jobs you've had?

Well April, I've done just about everything in order to pay the bills and get myself through school.

My first job was at the hospital as a candy striper. I think I was in 8th or 9th grade. I mostly helped wheel elderly patience down to the dining room. The worst task was cleaning a woman's dentures and the saddest was feeding Mr. Mackenzie. He was dying of cancer. He had five children, two sets of identical twins. I'll never forget that.

My senior year in high-school sucked so badly except for my job at The Family Bookstore. I walked in asked for a job and was hired on the spot. My boss was my old Sunday school teacher Kathryn Weidermeyer. The best part was getting to do all the window displays. I gift wrapped all the presents people would buy. I loved knowing what people were getting for their birthdays and Christmas.

I was the lifeguard at a Christian camp for two summers. I lived in a shed with a set of bunk beds, a desk and a dorm sized refrigerator that I had to put all my makeup in to keep it from melting. I snuck out of my shed one night with Rex, the local football hero and son of the high school principal and together we "broke" into the press box at the football field and turned on the PA system and sang Van Halen songs. And that my friends, is why my daughter will never go work at a camp. Good grief.

I've cleaned houses.
Painted a horse paddock with a paint mitten and a gazillion gallons of white enamel paint.
Pruned plants at a hydroponics tomato farm.

Assisted a woman who was recovering from a stroke organize her house. Her son was one of my classmates. I found a black and white proof from the newspaper office of myself during my high school cheerleading days while going through a stack of pictures for her. She had no idea why she had it. That wasn't weird or creepy at all. She let me have the photo.

I was the hostess at The Golden Corral for about three weeks before my boss called me at 6:00 in the freakin' morning to tell me she didn't need me to come in anymore. Yes, I was fired for not cleaning the bathrooms because they made me wear my Sunday best and I wasn't going to clean up urine in my dress clothes. Sorry. Oh, and I was the hostess at Country Kitchen for about the same amount of time before I quit.

I've done the waitress bit at a fine dining retirement village and at a run-down steak house.

I lived with an 85 year old man and cooked for him in exchange for room and board. He spent his days playing golf and his nights watching boxing.

I worked at a home for mentally handicapped adults. I loved and hated this job. I loved the clients and hated the facility.

I've had one factory job. E&E Specialties, they make boxes and plastic card displays. I made boxes in the hot summer. Every morning I'd wake up and spend a few minutes loosening up my sore hands and putting on band-aids from all the cardboard cuts.

Worked in an outlet mall for Van-Heusen.

I was a nanny for a little boy whose mother and father were both doctors, they were divorced but worked in the same practice and that wasn't the weird part, but that's a story for a different day.

I did pet sitting.
I did babysitting.
Cleaned a travel agency.
I did housekeeping for a hotel, for one day.

I worked at an animal hospital. I was the office manager that could also draw blood, give shots, get a fecal sample and hold a giant dog still while he gets his nails trimmed. I learned how to take x-rays, float a slide and find parasite eggs, drain a wound, flush ears, take out sutures and so much more. Later, I would be asked to come back and do the Doctor's SOAP notes or medical transcription for them.

I worked at Home Depot.

I was tortured at a preschool. The only image I can remember is little Kaliegh throwing up and the long dark green chunky mucus that came out of her nose that she sucked back in. Oh please, yah, uh, bleck, uck! The memory is too much for me, now I've got the heebie-jeebies!

Finally, I have worked for two churches doing their financial business. I still do this for my church.

I think I'm missing a few, but it's late and I'm tired so thanks for having me April.

Thanks for being here April, and you're not at all psychotic.

Let me check my calendar....

This is going to be a very unusual week and I will probably never see these series of events unfold in my lifetime ever again or at least in the span of five days.

This evening my husband and I were invited to attend a reception for the governor of Missouri at a friend's home. I know! That's what I said. It's a fund raiser. I keep reminding myself that we were in fact invited to show support not because I am the most famous blogging mommy on the web.

As you know this is Monday and I have mountains of laundry to chip away, I have meals to deliver to the poor teachers that have to suffer through another one of my concoctions (I'm thinking potato soup, because wouldn't that be good today?) and I have no professional looking outfit to wear to this reception. I'm nearly certain I won't go shopping because I do have the kids that need something of an education and since I decided I could do a better job at that than anyone else I think I should be proving it by actually teaching them than running around St. Louis trying to find an outfit that won't offend Governor Blunt. But then again, maybe I should just run out to Marshal’s and see what they have. I don't know.

Friday we are going to a Reformation Party. I know! That's what I said. I think there will be lots of drinking, eating, laughing and maybe some good impressions of medieval characters. So, this should prove to be fun and relaxing but again the clothing dilemma. It's too far off to think about so I'll deal with that later.

Saturday we are going to an opening of a performing arts building that my husband designed at a college in Illinois. I know! That's what I said. It's a black tie affair and I've had plenty of notice to get prepared. The dress, jewelry and scarf have been purchased. I need to get a manicure, find hosiery, debating on buying new shoes and probably get my hair done. It's reminiscent of going to the prom. Oh booger! I just thought about a handbag. Giddy-up Mary I hope I can get all of that stuff and still afford to feed everyone this week. Ack!

My mostly normal and boring life is getting such a glamorous jolt this week. I fear that when it's all over I'll feel a bit like a scullery maid.

Now, I'm off to change a diaper, change a load of laundry, scoop some chicken poop out of the garage and scrub the white sticky stuff dripped from one bathroom to the other off the carpet. I know! That's what I said!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Somethin's gotta give.

I've been saying it all week, something, anything has got to give and it seems it may be my brain. I'm at the point where I don't know if I'm coming or going or if I've already been there.

So far I've..

-delivered two meals to teachers that I wasn't supposed to deliver until next Monday. By the way I really suck at taking good meals to people. I just seem to fumble around and can't think of what to make and then I end up taking them the worst concoction of sorts. It's really best for everyone if they just come to my house and eat under normal circumstances and then they will have a better idea of what kind of cook I am.

-sat in a waiting room for two hours for a Dr. to tell me my son did not break his leg and why the heck was I there in the first place and duh-hur keep him off the gall bladder tramploline!

-passed up my exit on the highway not once, but twice because I was too busy having a conversation with myself about how I should really go back home and not take my son to the doctor, just give it time, but what if it's broken...and Gall Bladder I missed the exit, AGAIN!

-was one hour late taking my son to his class.

-was fifteen minutes late taking the kids to piano lessons.

-refused to take my daughter to soccer practice because if I had to get in the van and drive even one more minute I was going to shrivel up and die, so instead I flopped on my bed and ate some cookies and then I felt better.

-and the clencher this week... I yelled at two of my sons that if they couldn't get along and love each other then they needed to move out! Yep, that's all I could come up with. A big empty threat.

Just to end this post on a fun note and prove that I have no brain cells left this is the conversation Clay and I had this morning while observing the progess of the braces on our daugher's teeth.

Me- Her teeth are small.

Him- Yeah, they look like your teeth.

Me- I don't have small teeth!

Him- Yes, you do.

Me- You look at my teeth and you think they are small?

Him- Yes, when I saw your teeth I thought they were smaller than what should be expected.

Me- Take that back. Say I have big teeth!

Him- But, you have petite teeth. Peteeth. Get it? Peteeth.

Me- Yeah, I get it. I also get that you have horse teeth, you're a horse head!

Thank the Maker that you all can't see the faces and sound effects that we were making during this conversation....but our daughter sat and watched the whole thing. What must her impression of us be?

Clay's response after reading this post, "You're funny, you and your big horse teeth are funny." He has the sweetest way of complementing me.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Here I am, again.

At Bread Co.

I've been internet free for about a week now. I'm feeling a little better, but still have a twitch in my right eye whenever I enter my office to check my emails and realize I CAN"T! (insert lots and lots and lots of profanity here.)

Okay, back home again. Jiggety freakin' jig!!!

Btw, have you all read the Olivia books? I love, love, love them! I love the pig!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

No time to talk.

I have three minutes to write. Need to pick up daughter at soccer. All modems dead at house. No dial up. Going through withdrawl. Husband has to print out all correspondence. Sitting at Bread Co drinking second cup of coffee, starting to get a bit jittery. Would love to move in here so I could have constant stream of coffee, pastries and high speed freakin' internet. Too many teenagers work here. Some called me Ma-am. Hope you all are well. I'm feeling a little sweaty and wondering why I hear a buzzing noise...........

Sunday, October 15, 2006


The pawns are the players and the almond is the ball.

The coach excitedly studying his plays for the team.....that doesn't start until November.

He's got big hopes and even bigger plans. I hope the 10 year-old boys are as easy to coach as the chess pieces.

Head On

For instant headache relief: apply your brother's underwear directly to your forehead.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Three Brothers

Finally! My husband took me to Three Brothers , a great little spot in Labadie MO. It was well worth it. I had the tilapia with pan roasted new potatoes and Clay had the pork tenderloin with smashed new potatoes they both came with grilled asparagus. We tried the jumbo shrimp in a creamy tarragon sauce, I wanted to pick up the plate and drink the rich sauce, but the shrimp was a bit over cooked. They serve warm sesame bread knots with olive oil and parmesan cheese to dip in, and who doesn't love warm bread? The red wine comes in a huge glass that if given the opportunity you could take a quick dip in.

They didn't have any house made desserts so we tried the tiramasu which was very rich. I love to be able to taste the strong espresso and still be able to distinguish the lady fingers and that was very apparent in this dessert.

The atmosphere is above charming. The dinnerware is chique. The drive out there is beautiful. A great date night for any couple. They have a bar area which you see in the picture that I linked, the linen covered tables are a few steps above the bar.

I was surprised to see such a nice crowd there. If you ever need to get out of the city and have a nice quiet meal this is the place to go.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Letter to Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m not sure exactly why you chose to comment on my sight, but I’ll liken you to a toddler in need of attention that I’m happy to supply with a little love, time and some of my energy.

I read your list of quotes from scientists, screen writers, public speakers and whoever else was in there. I haven’t had time to be edified by the stork link thingy….maybe later.

Since you didn’t have the courage to sign your post I’m not sure that you’ll take the time to come back and answer my question so I’ll just do that for you.

Question: Since I’m obviously contributing to the overpopulation of the world how do you propose that I alleviate this problem?

Answer: Return the grotesque offspring to whence they came. This may produce severe physical discomfort but now you will be taking up one fifth of the space.

Listen to my words now Anonymous…

I’m sorry that you haven’t considered what magnificent people that contribute to this beautiful world wouldn’t be here if birth control were mandated in our free country. Can you not think of someone special in your life that is the third, fourth or God help us seventh child to a family? I can only imagine why you feel the need to control humanity and view it as a disgusting beast that is plowing through the earth’s resources.

Your time would be better used composting, recycling metal and wearing hemp products than telling people to stop procreating.

In God’s grip,


Monday, October 09, 2006

I betcha...

never had a chicken flappin' around in your minivan trapped with your two little ones laughing their ever-lovin' heads off at the poor chicken panicking about where the heck the escape hatch is located!

*no chickens were harmed in the writing of this blog*

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Dancin' Queen

Do you want to know about the lady that caught me dancing in front of the little annoying video/music toy at Wal-Mart that moments later I verbally sold a Magna-Doodle too?


Do you want to hear the story about the teenage boy in my daughters school that caught me doing The Robot in my van while driving down Manchester?

When will I learn that I am not alone and in my own little "April" world when I go out in public?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Trying to be more me.

Clay keeps telling me I don't act like myself over at Larger Families, so I tried harder this time. Go take a peek and yes I'm asking for comments cuz it's so dang quiet all the time over there. You would think with all the kids we've got it would be a bunch of chatter, but not so. I think we might be too timid.

Anyway, did any of you loath pregnancy as much as I? I just really did not enjoy it. I was sick, my pelvis hurt all the time, I was fat, I was grumpy, I had heartburn, all my joints ached, I had zits, my hair was all funky, there were never maternity clothes that fit me, I was just not happy.

I have friends that just loooooove being pregnant. I think they are weird. I was not given the ability to enjoy that (Seth is sitting by me and keeps saying, "The Karate Master inside your stomach") yeah, I didn't enjoy the little Karate Master inside my stomach, but I did like them when they decided to come out.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

You all are very kind like the man at McDonald's

Okay, so lets do some name dropping....

Joanie- You are a breath of happy air. You sparkle and radiate like the sun. I'm so glad I know you personally and have the privilege to hear your laughter in person.

Jen H- You know, there are people you just like to sit and listen to. You are one of those people for me. I love the sound of your voice, the words you use and how you tell a story. I like the cackle in your laughter too, everyone needs a good cackle. Oh, and I like to listen to your hubby too, he's the fastest talkin' man in the West!

Melanie- You are one of the most thoughtful young women I've ever known. I admire how you think of others and do small and big things for them. I also would adopt your children if you and your sweet husband, whom I know should have been born my little brother, should come to an early demise.

Owlhaven- Do any of you read her? Her last 30 days were spent avoiding any meaningless consumerism, I love stuff like that. She's amazing. Go read, you'll get my drift.

Jenn- Anyone that lists Napoleon Dynamite as one of their favorite movies gets to move to the front of the class, go on move up, there you go. Look at her. Isn't she pretty?

Gretchen- I went over and looked at your beautiful knitting. slobber. I would love to have that sleeve on a sweater, my that is sooooo pretty!

Old Man at McDonald's- You made me and my boys laugh today. I thought for sure we had traveled back twenty years and were sitting in an old diner in my home town and you had known us all our lives. I hope others are as kind and happy when they see you coming. Your children and grandchildren are very blessed to have such a sweet old guy bragging about them.

Monday, October 02, 2006

What did I say?

So my husband asked me how many hits I got today and I said I dunno. Then I clicked over to my stats counter and saw this! Who are you people? 108 people came over took a look and ran for the door? What the heckle jo jeckel? Now, I'm not one to ask for comments and my life and sanity is not depending on how popular my blog is, but geez! At least say hi or tell me that you were here and now you're going somewhere bigger, better and far less annoying....or don't, either way.

It's raining April

My children met Brian Jacques .
My oldest son loves his books.

My husband ate one bite of pork steak Saturday.
We spent five hours in the ER to get that one bite dislodged from his esophagus.

I bought a new pair of jeans at American Eagle.
I've been thinking a lot about muffin tops every time I put them on.

My FIL drove from Louisiana for a mini visit.
He drove for two days and stayed for 18 hours, most of which my husband had meat stuck in his throat.

We had a surprise party for my daughter.
I was surprised at how much candy young girls can eat.

My daughter waited 13 years to get her ears pierced.
I think she would have waited longer, glamour isn't important to her.

My garden is getting sleepy.
I have many green tomatoes and lots of herbs to look at.

We have cut down lots of trees.
Free firewood for all that will haul it away.

I watched Napoleon Dynamite again.
I had a pair of Moonboots in high school, but I only wore them when it was snowing.