Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Blemish and Foul Wind

Oooookay, I think we've all seen enough of that.

Now, how about some more stories about ME to make you feel better about yourself? Yes? Could this blog be any bigger a display of self deprecation and humiliation? Or is it that I need attention? Because being 95 feet tall with freaky blond hair and a butt the size of Canada isn't really doing it for me anymore, obviously.

****

This morning, I had to take my older kids to school. I decided to just get dressed and go. I looked like, well, like I just woke up and threw on some clothes. Even better I had just popped two zits on my chin. Have you seen me after I pop a zit? It looks like a giant tumor has erupted on my skin, red and pulsing to my heart beat, it's hideous. No big deal, I thought, drop the kids off and scoot home, I'll be invisible.

You know what's about to happen, don't you?

The most beautiful woman on the face of the planet saw me at school and made a bee line for my van waving at me to get my attention so she could talk to me.

Oh, Lord. Here she comes. No! Dear God, NO! Should I just gun the engine and peel out of the parking lot? Would it be bad if I ran over her? Maybe if I pretend I don't see her. Nope, I'm waving, that pretty much says come here and talk to me. Lord, WHY?!

I rolled down my window so my zits could say hello.

****

A couple days ago I took all my kids to the longest evening of basketball in the history of basketball. I had to watch three games and part of another one. We were the visiting team and crowded together in a little lunch room area that had accordion style doors that opened to the gym. My two little boys and I were sitting in chairs very close to all the other parents.

What better time for my boys to start ripping the foulest smelling farts ever?

What did they eat? Sulfur? Rotten eggs? Dog poop?

Like any good parent I immediately started placing the blame. "Oh! Honey. Phew! Do you need to go to the bathroom? Wow. YOU are really stinking up the place."

If that wasn't bad enough, my baby decided to sit on my lap and let go of a mighty, butt- flapping wind that could only come from a rear the size of Canada.

MOSES SMELL THE ROSES!

I knew that if I started to blame him for that incredible auditory display it would look like I was the guilty party. In silence, I sat in my chair holding my son staring straight ahead pretending like I didn't hear or smell a thing. And we all know what that means, right?

GUILTY! GUILTY!! GUILTY!!!!!!

****

What lessons have you learned from this ridiculous post?

1. Never leave the house.
2. Basketball stinks.



27 comments:

Kim said...

I think it's a cruel joke God allows me to still have zits while at the same time the wrinkles have started. The title of my life story will be "Wrinkles & Zits."
And as far as the farting, that's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to having children - someone to blame besides the dog. It's a good thing my office has a door on it and that door is shut, because this post made me snort.

Donna said...

This is funny stuff, right here. With the recession we're having, it's nice to know that we can get free entertainment from family flatulence.

annie said...

seriously funny!

Stephanie said...

OMG!!! ROFLAO!! You are just too funny...

Lisa S. said...

It's crazy being almost 37 years old and having zits worse now than I did when I was in high school! What it up with that? And, they ALWAYS appear the night before of the day of a big event happening in my life. I'm so glad to read your blog and find out I'm not the only loser with a big butt and hates to get dressed with zits. We're twinkies you and me - but, I'm a brunette.

Next time, if you are ready to get out of being at the basketball game use your kids gases as your own excuse that you have to leave because of mudd butt and it could be contagious. Everybody should understand that one if they have ever had it.

Trisha said...

I have been there on the whole zit front. You ALWAYS see people you know and who ALWAYS look better than you when zits show up!

Thanks for the laugh this morning!

Gladys said...

I know maybe 4 people in this town. No seriously 4. I NEVER go out without make-up. A couple of weeks ago I had an infection on my eyes called Barfitis or something. I couldn't wear make-up and my eyeslids where huge and red and swollen and scarey looking. I had to go to the grocery and guess what? I saw not just 1 person I know but all 4! They all looked fabulous in thier cute snow boots and stretchy insulated pants and pretty sweaters and coats with matching hats. I looked like Quazimoto except I was missing the hump.

Leila said...

Many, many points for running over the best looking lady in the school driveway.

What is wrong with you, woman??

Marie said...

OMG !! I thought my son was the only one with a stinky but !!!

Elizabeth said...

Totally.

I think we've all been there in some way or another.

Beth

Lynn in WI said...

I agree. Basketball stinks.

Sara said...

Stupid Canada-sized butts. I know about that too well.

Hilarious post. Really felt your pain. Gah! That nasty kid farting is the worst! Dang!

And I try to only pop zits at night. Gives me a 50/50 chance of them not being anthropomorphic by morning. (That theory didn't pan out so great THIS morning though. Hello, angry looking one-eyed carbuncle!)

This DVM's Wife's Life said...

A day in the life of April Showers, celebrity, with a big old zag on her face.
Well I love b-ball, and most days, hate leaving my homey house.

MrsMama said...

Wait, you are obviously a bit confused: I didn't get out of the car this morning at school. You must have me mixed up with someone else. Did you forget your new glasses?c

Dea said...

OK... Since Larry took to school this morning, clearly I am OUT of the most beautiful woman on the planet race... I want to know who this is... I mean at OUR school!!!???

carsick said...

My kids will get into a car with a crowd of people and let a silent deadly one fly and excitedly announce Smell the Woods. If you don't know what that means and you take a deep breathe in you realize real quick there aint no woods around here. Bad children.

dina said...

I have a 16 year old *adorable* daughter - who, seriously, while not the child of my womb is so the child of my heart. She has some truly wonderful friends - one in particularly who is - well, we can only call it brutally honest.

Said friend approaches me at church one Sunday and says, "Mrs. McB! How are you?" And gives me her customary hug and kiss. And then says, "OH MY GOSH - you totally have a ton of zits! Aren't you supposed to be done with those by the time you're old?"

Yeah - who knew 45 and menopause would not mean the end of zits? Or moritification because of them?!

Feeling your pain, April!

Clayvessel said...

April,
Have you seen what Rosie Kate is up to with a hind-quarter of an old cow? Just another idea for Coal Creek Farm.

paintsplashes.blogspot.com

Sally-Ann said...

I laughed at your post, then I grew somber - it hit close to a nerve! One morning I drove my daughter to school in my pjs, no make-up and very pregnant - car broke down in the parking lot.

Karen Deborah said...

"I rolled down my window so my zits could say hello." BWAHAHA ROFLMAO
that is so funny and your butt is not big you just showed it to us dancing around, your cute, excpet for the big popped zits. Zits are butt ugly on everybody.
BWAHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAA snort!

Dawn said...

yes, I agree with anyone above in the horrid zit/wrinkle syndrome... And you do NOT have a butt the size of Canada...Unless you have slenderized all the pictures and videos of yourself. And if that's the case, please let me know what software you used!

Linda said...

Oh the best is when you have greasy hair, huge zits, and your ratty sweats on and you just run to the store for one little thing, because who would be at the store at 7 AM, and run smack into someone you haven't seen since high school (think 23 years) and they look like a prom queen and you look like ... well ... not that it's ever happened to me though, I'm just sayin'.

Jenni said...

What is up with the zits at 30-something? Will it go away once I hit 40? I always had pretty clear skin throughout high school--except for that one zit that would pop up in the middle of my forehead once a month. For some reason I started getting zits galore after about 25. What's the deal?

Have I told you about the time I took the kids to school wearing my holey pajamas and big, ugly man coat with the ripped zipper that I wear for feeding the horses? Of course that was the perfect time for me to get a flat tire and not have any money for the air hose at the gas station. (Cuz, yeah, I left my wallet at home. Good thing I didn't get pulled over.) I had to go inside and beg a quarter. Then I hurried home, threw on some jeans and actually brushed my hair, hoping the air would stay in the tire long enough to get back to the shop in town for a tire patch.

And farts? Good lord, I don't even want to go there. When do boys outgrow having farting competitions? I'm hoping 40 is the magic number there, too. Yep, unlike many women, I'm looking forward to 40. Danny and I have both got just two years and change left. 40 had better not let me down.

Renovation Therapy said...

LOL!!!

Molly said...

I can totally relate. A few weeks ago I had a huge, nasty, pulsating zit on my chin. When I got home from work I put some zit cream on it that is white and stinks like sulfur. Later in the evening I had to run to Walgreens and I totally forgot I had the zit cream on until I got back in the car! Embarassing!

Rhea said...

Are you really writing about me? Because this sounds familiar.

Zits and farts are my life. Well, the zits are mine, not the farts. I swear.

~Mad said...

Now, wait, ladies - my mama always tole me I would appreciate my oily greasy skin one day - that it would help my wrinkles be less.

And, at 57, I have to say "she was right!"

God love,
~Mad(elyn) in Alabama