A Sofa A Job

I'm shopping for a sofa or couch. Some days I say sofa, when I'm being proper and dignified, but mostly I say couch. I'm shopping online. It's painful. I mean I actually feel physical pain, in my back for sitting hunched over for so long, in my forehead for wrinkling my brow and scowling at all the hideous couches readily available and in my forearm for sitting posed with my mouse ready to click on the image of a couch because for some reason I think if I enlarge the pictures they will be less hideous, when in fact, they become quite gigantic and frightening and then I start trembling and get nervous and can't move the mouse quick enough to the little box with the X in the upper right hand corner.

I really want someone to come decorate the front room for me. Please. Right now I call it "the broken-hand-me-down-crap-we-couldn't-sell-storage room". Seriously, it's all shoved over to the side of the room being completely ignored. We walk through that room to get to the library and never pause to reflect how beautiful of a room it actually is, because it's being used for storage.

Okay, so back to the couch issue. I need a couch or two. I've thought about a sectional. I used to hate sectionals, but they have grown on me kind of like the realization that I actually have four children and we don't fit on one sofa, but a sectional, now we would fit on that. I just can't find THE SOFA or COUCH that says, "I belong in April's house". Probably because I'm holding myself to some very weird perimeters that are bogging my choices down.

Here's the big one; My kids go to a little private school. Each year every family is supposed to purchase a set amount of Easy Money. Easy Money is gift certificates to a whole host of different retailers that include, Gap, Old Navy, Home Depot, Zarco, etc...tons of restaurants, some big department stores, however not Wal-Mart or Target which kills me because I could make my quota in no time if those two were on the list. The retailers that are on the list give a percentage of anywhere from 3-15% of the purchase to the school. It's a very simple way for schools to raise money. Anyway, I thought it would be easy for me to make my quota if I used one of the retailers on the Easy Money list to purchase our furniture. But, it hasn't been so easy.

How can anyone buy a couch online? I personally need to sit on a couch, feel the fabric, and then lay down on it to decide if it's right for me. Because ultimately my couch will be the place I go to dramatically flop my body, throw my arm across my eyes and pretend I'm too exhausted to "deal" with anymore of anything and that everyone should just be quiet and get me a cup of coffee....and the remote....and a blanket....and a cookie.

I also don't want to spend a fortune because, as you know, I have four kids. They destroy everything I ever label as precious. If I buy a cheap piece of hideous crap, well then they won't come near it, but at least I won't be rending my garments, shaving my head and weeping on a pile of ashes if they should vomit, pee, poop, tear, spill, splatter, crap, barf, dribble, fart, slobber or wipe their green chunky snot on the cheap piece of hideous crap. But, this house deserves more than a piece of hideous crap. It really needs one pretty room that is comfortable, yet slightly child-destruction proof.

No, I do not want leather, I'm saving that for the library.

No, I don't want transitional.....I still don't know what that means, but I think it's weird and won't last long and sounds too much like transsexual, so no I don't want a transsexual, uh er I mean a transitional couch, but thanks anyway.

I don't want, funky, bun feet, suede, big floral, huge rolled arms, two seat cushions, sage, scatter back pillows, fringe, micro-fiber, studded or Queen Ann.

I do want; three seat cushions, simple lines, no skirt, lower arms, a basic color that would go with anything including when I change the room for holidays. It needs to be long enough for Clay to lie comfortably. The fabric needs to be indestructible and cleanable and comfortable.

Where is this couch? I don't know. Searching for it is my new part-time job and I would like to give my two weeks notice starting now. Thank you Internet for letting me browse your endless supply if gargantuan couches with colors named after coffee, chocolate and herbs. I think I might do better just using my front room to store the hideous crap that I already own.