My husband loves to annoy me. He relishes watching my frustrations mount. He laughs when I throw myself at him swinging my fists to inflict pain on his body.
I live with a gigantic pain in the arse.
Here's a conversation that made my head explode. If I could have picked him up and thrown him through the big picture window I would have, but instead I spent the rest of the day pinching him in the chest as hard as I could when his defenses were down. Occasionally, he would say, "Ouch that really hurts!" through his laughter but mostly he says, "Oh, April you are so fun to irritate." Which makes me even angrier and my pinches much harder.
A- I wish I would have had a brother.
C- Yeah, me too. Then I'd have a brother-in-law.
A- You do have a brother-in-law. Mike.
C- No, not really. Mike is your brother-in-law. Not mine.
A- What? How can he be my brother-in-law and not yours?
C- Because, he's married to your sister, not my sister.
A- That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say, well at least today. Mike is your brother-in-law!
C- No, not really.
A- So your brother's wife isn't my sister-in-law?
C- No, she's my sister-in-law.
A- So my sister's children, are they your nephews? Or just my nephews?
C- They're my nephews because Rechelle is my sister-in-law and they are her children.
A- Are they the illegitimate children of your sister-in-law, because her husband is not officially your brother-in-law?
C- Now, your just being silly.
A- MIKE IS YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW!
C- I know you want him to be my brother-in-law, but technically he's only your brother-in-law.
A- Then what do you call him?
C- Mike. It's his name.
A- I'm going to kick you.
C- How can you not understand this? Why are you getting so angry? It's just the facts.
A- I'm angry because I've wasted my breath and my time having this stupid conversation with you! Mike. Is. Your. Brother-in-law. As long as my sister is married to him he is your brother-in-law. It's too bad that Rechelle won't have a brother-in-law much longer.
C- Why's that?
A- Because tonight when your asleep, I'm going to.....
C- Now, April, are you about to say something you're going to regret?
A- The only thing I regret is the day I said I would mar...
C- No, no, shhhhh, you are about to say something very hateful.
A- Yes, I hate...
C- Oh, come here let's have a hug.
(this is when he grabs me and smothers my head into his chest so I can't talk or breath).
A- Ah cand breee!
C- What? I can't hear you.
A- Ah cand bree!
C- What? Here stop hugging me so I can hear you.
A- I don't know why you love to torture me.
C- Because you get so mad. It's so fun.
A- I'm going to make the rest of your days miserable.
C- Okay Honey, you're so cute. I love you.
C- I love you.
C- You love me too, don't you?
A- I'm not talking to you anymore.
C- You can't stay mad at me. You like me too much.
And that is when my head exploded.