Friday, March 27, 2009

Dear Mom, I'm sorry.

Dear Mom,

I'd like to apologize to you for making you live with me from the ages of eleven to twenty.

I'd like to say I'm sorry for all the times you were explaining the ways of the universe to me, but I couldn't understand anything you were saying because I was too busy rolling my eyes to the back of my head and sighing very loudly.

I totally understand why you sat down at the piano and banged out gospel songs after you would send Rechelle and me to bed and vacuumed the house at five o'clock in the morning. It was your way of irritating us while avoiding beating us to death.

I'm sorry you didn't have a blog to escape to.

I'm sorry I thought you were stupid for making me do all those useless tasks like; clean my room, do laundry, help make dinner and spend time at home. It was so hard for me to do those things when I was walking around with my eyes rolled back in my head, I hope you understand, because I can see quite clearly now....especially since I got glasses.

Remember all those times you said, "I hope you have a kid that is just like you, then you'll understand what I'm talking about?!"

I totally understand.

I also want to thank you for teaching me the fine art of embarrassment. Remember all the times you sang and danced in the car to songs you didn't know? Remember how you would get out your Mary Kay lipstick in the compact case with the three shades and apply it with that little retractable brush while looking the in the rear view mirror? Ugh, that was so embarrassing, and yet, brilliant. Remember yelling at us down the stairs in the basement to move the car because we parked it in the wrong spot on the driveway and when you finally poked your head through the door ranting and raving we were filming a spoof for the Johnny Carson show with a few of our friends? Oh, wait....that was Dad, never mind. But, wow, that was really humiliating, thanks Dad, I'll keep that one on the back burner.

Again, sorry you didn't have access to a blog.

I also want to retroactively ask your permission to wear all your clothes and your pearl necklace that I broke. Also, I won't get ticked when I see you likewise raid my closet and show up at school wearing my choir dress that no fewer than twelve other girls own and have no doubt that you are wearing the choir front of choir public......dear God, that was a priceless moment, I don't think I can top that one. Nor was I able to convince the entire school that you were NOT MY MOTHER.

I'm sorry for the times that I didn't claim you as my mom.

I'm sorry for not thanking you for all the time you spent driving me to dance classes. That is, until you discovered Rhonda Jarrett and her VW Bug and basically turned all parenting responsibilities over to Rhonda, the perfect older girl in the neighborhood that was able to protectively herd Rechelle and me through junior high and the first two years of high school. Thank God for Rhonda.

I am in serious need of a Rhonda and her VW Bug right now and also, could I get a male version of Rhonda for the boys?

Mom, I want you to know that at some point in my twenties you became a very smart woman with great ideas. I hope I can live long enough to become a smart woman with great ideas, it appears that I'll be teetering in that dancing in the car phase for many, many years to come. I fear I'll become so proficient at embarrassing the kids that it will become my normal to sing in an opera voice to all the songs on the radio and shake my shoulders while holding the steering it normal to do those things when the kids aren't in the car? I think I have a problem.

Mom! What am I going to do?! When am I going to be normal?

My kids are too spread out for me to have a break between wanting to bash their faces into their smelly laundry and looking at them with love and admiration for MOVING OUT OF MY HOUSE! I am always going to have someone in emotional upheaval, hormonal egress and behavioral malfunction.

Mom, please feel sorry for me.

I really am sorry for having been a teenager and putting you through hell. Now, will you please come get all your grandchildren......wait, leave them here, come get me and take me home with you? Please, rescue me from these kids! They are driving me CRAZY!!!

I love you the most.

Your Favorite Daughter,



heather said...

wow that was a great post!
totally get where your comming from
because i am sorry to i treated my mom the way i did i totally did not get it till i had kids too,,,and now i think wow i did have a good mom,hhahaha

Anonymous said...

Loved the letter! Hindsight is indeed 20/20. ;)

~Lori Anne

Cynthia said...

I am having these same moments at my house.

I have no idea why my parents didn't send me to the Swiss Boarding School I used to beg to go to.

I would have sent me.

I might send a few of the teenagers that are living with me.

Except that they would like it!

Jennifer said...

Just found your blog this week. All I can say about this post is WOW...I am sure my mom would love hearing that from me. She might have to wait a little longer though :) Oh and you are so funny!!! I plan to continue reading your blog for daily laughs and inspiration! of course, if thats ok with you :)

Jenni said...

1) Amen to that having a blog to escape to part.
2) There is no hope for you. My mother-in-law still sings in a loud, operatic style through the house. And she encourages her Sheltie to join her. Once these habits form, they are impossible to break. Well, maybe you could break the habit if you had a lobotomy.
3) Your mother was very wise to space her two daughters so close together.
4) Good thing for us that you were not so wise as your mother. We can look forward to you escaping to your blog for a loooong time to come.

Jenni said...

P.S. Your mom just gave me a great idea. I think I'll wear Jo's dress that she wore for senior pictures to her graduation and then use some of those strategies you listed along with a few of my own to embarrass the heck out of her. Thanks!

Gladys said...

So true, so true!

I do have words of hope for you. The Mommy Curse actually works. If you don't believe me, ask my now grown daughter with a wee one of her own. Cling to that knowledge like a drowning woman clinging to a life preserver. In those times of dire straights it will give you some comfort. Now go forth and embarrass away!

cndymkr / jean said...

My son use to think I was the only mom who sang and danced and embarrassed him, then I showed him your blog. He thinks your kids should join him in running away.

Southern Gal said...

Good letter. I've apologized to my mom several times.

Now it may be a blessing or a curse, but my baby is 10 1/2 years younger than his brother who is graduating high school this year. Break? Reprieve? Lunacy?

AND it seems to me after their older sister's journey that the ages 18 to 20 are the worst...hate to break it to ya.

Clayvessel said... sounds like someone has teenagers in the house.

Yep. Recognize the "run away from home" desires. Of mom.

At one time I had FOUR teenagers, a baby, a toddler and a kid in the house. Lots of navel-gazing.

I'm currently in a reprieve. I only have ONE teenager. Easy peasy.

What's great is that I have big kids now who apologize to ME!!
Ha Ha Ha haaa!!!

Hang on. Your day will come too.

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog from Like Mother, Like Daughter. Love this first post I read!! I have a teenage daughter who has decided I'm a total embarrassment to her. It has so hurt my feelings and is a blessing to think - this too shall pass!! :-)

God Bless

Anonymous said...

ohdearlordy, yes, YES!! I will send my mom to read this. How, true...and you might want to check out my own imp of the Devil on my latest blog post...because that picture she drew is what I'm going thru. Eye rolling...and I'm sooooo uncool...and embarassing...and UGH!

I'm gonna go get a piano.

Melody said...


Dear April's Mom,
Will you take me too? I'll clean my room and eat my vegetables. Pleeeeaaasseee?

cndymkr / jean said...

If you are looking for something to do in April, Martha Stewart is looking for you! Her web site is advertising for women named April to be members of the audience. Just a thought. Of course, it's in NYC so you would have to travel.

Gila said...


Love your blog btw--added you to my reader and everything. Your life sounds fascinating. Far too much work, of course. But fascinating! :)

Stefanie in STL said...

Oh, how I laughed and cried at this one.

Signed: Waiting for Abby to move out.

Anonymous said...

When my daughter was 14, she would lock herself in her room night after night, refusing to speak to any of us (except the occasional "WHAT?!?"). I slid pizza under the door to keep her alive, God knows why. After one particularly unpleasant night, I called my Mom, crying & describing the terrible life my daughter had created for me. Her reply "Oh honey, no one deserves this more than you do!"

Rhea said...

Your favorite daughter. lol

Like how you ended with that.

Mama Hen said...

It's amazing how smart and wise our moms become once we hit about 30 isn't it?

Renovation Therapy said...

I have your blog bookmarked for my Mom. I just know she read this and cracked up. Assume I'll need to wash the coffee off her computer monitor again.

Swistle said...

I love this so. much. I am particularly sorry for concluding that the reason my mother wanted me to cut back my time with my boyfriend when my report card started showing Ds was that she Didn't Know What Real Love Was Really Like.

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