What I do when I'm driving.

Do you ever pretend like your being interviewed? I do, all the time. When I was young I'd spend countless moments in front of the bathroom mirror doing an interview with myself and of course I'd break to commercials with whatever beauty product was within reach. Now I just mumble answers to the NPR host while I'm driving. Unfortunately, my daughter catches me mumbling, making ridiculous facial expressions or hand gestures and asks who I'm talking too. The really funny thing is that I remember my mom doing the exact same thing. I tell my daughter it's only a matter of time before she too will become a daily driving interview.

So today, as I drove to the gawd awful Crestwood Mall, please remind me not to go there again, ever, I asked myself what my work history was. Get comfortable, it's a long interview.

On today's show I'm talking to April, the woman who interviews herself. Thanks for being here April. Why don't you tell us about all the weird and whacko jobs you've had?

Well April, I've done just about everything in order to pay the bills and get myself through school.

My first job was at the hospital as a candy striper. I think I was in 8th or 9th grade. I mostly helped wheel elderly patience down to the dining room. The worst task was cleaning a woman's dentures and the saddest was feeding Mr. Mackenzie. He was dying of cancer. He had five children, two sets of identical twins. I'll never forget that.

My senior year in high-school sucked so badly except for my job at The Family Bookstore. I walked in asked for a job and was hired on the spot. My boss was my old Sunday school teacher Kathryn Weidermeyer. The best part was getting to do all the window displays. I gift wrapped all the presents people would buy. I loved knowing what people were getting for their birthdays and Christmas.

I was the lifeguard at a Christian camp for two summers. I lived in a shed with a set of bunk beds, a desk and a dorm sized refrigerator that I had to put all my makeup in to keep it from melting. I snuck out of my shed one night with Rex, the local football hero and son of the high school principal and together we "broke" into the press box at the football field and turned on the PA system and sang Van Halen songs. And that my friends, is why my daughter will never go work at a camp. Good grief.

I've cleaned houses.
Painted a horse paddock with a paint mitten and a gazillion gallons of white enamel paint.
Pruned plants at a hydroponics tomato farm.

Assisted a woman who was recovering from a stroke organize her house. Her son was one of my classmates. I found a black and white proof from the newspaper office of myself during my high school cheerleading days while going through a stack of pictures for her. She had no idea why she had it. That wasn't weird or creepy at all. She let me have the photo.

I was the hostess at The Golden Corral for about three weeks before my boss called me at 6:00 in the freakin' morning to tell me she didn't need me to come in anymore. Yes, I was fired for not cleaning the bathrooms because they made me wear my Sunday best and I wasn't going to clean up urine in my dress clothes. Sorry. Oh, and I was the hostess at Country Kitchen for about the same amount of time before I quit.

I've done the waitress bit at a fine dining retirement village and at a run-down steak house.

I lived with an 85 year old man and cooked for him in exchange for room and board. He spent his days playing golf and his nights watching boxing.

I worked at a home for mentally handicapped adults. I loved and hated this job. I loved the clients and hated the facility.

I've had one factory job. E&E Specialties, they make boxes and plastic card displays. I made boxes in the hot summer. Every morning I'd wake up and spend a few minutes loosening up my sore hands and putting on band-aids from all the cardboard cuts.

Worked in an outlet mall for Van-Heusen.

I was a nanny for a little boy whose mother and father were both doctors, they were divorced but worked in the same practice and that wasn't the weird part, but that's a story for a different day.

I did pet sitting.
I did babysitting.
Cleaned a travel agency.
I did housekeeping for a hotel, for one day.

I worked at an animal hospital. I was the office manager that could also draw blood, give shots, get a fecal sample and hold a giant dog still while he gets his nails trimmed. I learned how to take x-rays, float a slide and find parasite eggs, drain a wound, flush ears, take out sutures and so much more. Later, I would be asked to come back and do the Doctor's SOAP notes or medical transcription for them.

I worked at Home Depot.

I was tortured at a preschool. The only image I can remember is little Kaliegh throwing up and the long dark green chunky mucus that came out of her nose that she sucked back in. Oh please, yah, uh, bleck, uck! The memory is too much for me, now I've got the heebie-jeebies!

Finally, I have worked for two churches doing their financial business. I still do this for my church.

I think I'm missing a few, but it's late and I'm tired so thanks for having me April.

Thanks for being here April, and you're not at all psychotic.