Sleeping Tips
Hey! Wanna know how to get a great night sleep? Here's a few things you can try:
Place your freezing cold feet in the armpits of.....
your hot husband. Try not to wake him up, be prepared to have him toss you across the room.
Listen to the sweet sounds of....
your four year old coughing every two minutes.
Go get the feverish/coughing child and put him in bed with you.
Now you are nice and warm. In fact the four year old is emitting so much heat that your skin is melting off your body.
Be sure to place the four year old high on your pillow with his mouth right next to your ear.
Now you're able to hear him coughing up his toenails directly into your eardrum. Oh, the sweet soothing sounds of your baby coughing, you'll be asleep before you know it.
Might as well throw a cat in the mix. 
Put your cat on your head and tell her to please start rubbing her claws on your cheek. If that doesn't work then just ask the cat to rub her butt on your face or lie down across your neck....because the best way to go to sleep is by NOT BREATHING.
Make a deal with your dog.....
to wake up just as you might be nodding off between the hours of 12am and 4am to go outside, because he knows that if he goes outside and starts barking at the air and other invisible things that you will feel safe and protected and be able to go night-night.
Let me know how these work for you. If you need to borrow a kid, cat or dog I can help you with that.
34 comments:
This is great. You've made me smile.
oy. I had the nagging cough, dog growling and cat puking last night. rough time all around. Here's to a Sunday afternoon nap!
sometimes an empty nest isn't so bad. I slept like a baby with the window open to the -4 degrees weather and me tucked under my big white fluffy down comforter.
Ha--that's so true--been there, done that!
I have all of them, No TKS, I don't need to borrow them. I will enjoy my side of the version..lol!
Sounds like ambien might be in your future. ;)
Lucky you -- I only had my hubby snoring like a freight train right next to my ear for a few hours last night, so no good sleep for me! Well, at least not until my daughter started hacking up a lung around 2am. That helped me sleep really, really well.
ugh that is why Sundays are great for a nap. Sorry about the rough night but it's funny the way you wrote it up, your a great writer.
Hope your baby gets better quick. I spent the night last night hacking up a lung too, was it something in the air?
I'm so sorry April! I could let you borrow my rooster that starts to crow about 4 AM every morning and then you could all have a sing-along.
Sounds like a rough night! I hope your boy is better soon and you can get some sleep.
I can get all those effects on my sleep sound machine. They're in high demand. And you have them free at your house? No way. very cool.
Hope you sleep better tonight.
That was hilarious! I know it wasn't funny last night, though.
Here's to a better night's sleep tonight.
Renee
OPh Yes I shall sleep easily now in that Knowledge....
Have the toddler ,dog and all was just missing the cat!
Thanks, but no thanks!!! I already have one 3 year old who feels that it is her duty to get in our bed EVERY night and proceed to try and take up as much room as possible, even if it means pushing me onto the floor. So while I appreciate the offer, you may have your dog, cat and child :-)
Armpits? You are either a contortionist, or you sleep with your head at the opposite end of the bed from dh. I'm happy to put my cold feet between the dh's hot thighs. And sometimes he lets me!! LOL
Sleep...sleep...
I encourage you to add little scrabbly noises made by evil squirrels, chipmunks, bats, or some other ungodly creature of the night, in a place that cannot be reached or even understood. Eaves? Crawlspace? Siding? Inside our head?
If you do this you will be insane, like us, as well as sleep-deprived. Good luck!
Very similar to my methods, except I stick my feet in between my husbands legs (he calls them my ice blocks) and wrap my arm around him and the dog who's curled up on his other side, so no matter who I'm touching it's furry and warm. And sometimes I toss a Xanax in the mix when times are really tough.
How about lending me your hot husband?
Just kidding...I already have one of those.
I love this post!
Don't need to borrow no stinkin cat, I've got my own problems with one who drapes himself on my face. Just wait untill you get hot flashes to add to the mix. At least by then your feverish child will be to old to be in your bed.
kathy b
you know that preacher will always be welcome here.
If you're still having trouble sleeping, I could lend you a dog that runs in her sleep. She's very considerate and always tries to line up her toenails with something that will make a lot of noise, like the bathtub in the bathroom that's 3' from the bed. That rattle-tap-scrape noise is very soothing - just like a lullaby. And don't worry, she's pretty deaf, so you won't accidentally wake her up by shouting "shut up!" at her...
And be sure to have that coughing four year old coughing directly up your mouth and nose, so that you too come down with the same virus by morning! I hate nights like that...
Too bad we don't like close enough to really have that cup of coffee together, sounds like you could use it today. It will be here and waiting if (when) you make it over to Israel though.
Two words: Tylenol PM
Hope that little cutie is feeling better and you get a nap in sometime soon.
Kids, pets and husband. Sometimes I yell "Make them go away", just so I can get a night's sleep.
You just described my night. For some unknown reason I cannot for the life of me get my 4 year old over the coughing and runny nose. It will get slightly better for a day or two, then it comes back. Isn't your BIL a doctor? Can't he heal your sick child...so that you can tell me what he did? Where's The Country Doctor when we need him?
You just described my night in such detail, that I am a little unnerved. Except, I put my feet on my husband's legs, and my kid is 2. He and the cat both sleep around my head.
I was the cougher last night, but also had the dog, snoring husband and silly cat, the neighbor's dog barking, and a few jets landing at the airport a few miles from our house. But I did end up getting a few hours of sleep.
I'm so glad you had good nights sleep! For the first time in a long time, I was in bed by 10:30 and actually slept til 1 AM before my 4 year old son had to pee. Then he wante to sleep with us but I woke hubby to have him carry him back to bed. Yes, then the dog needed out, not when we were awake at 1, but at 4 AM. And at 5, 4 year old came and got in bed with us.... thankfully, we don't have the coughing but yesterday..... 2 year old was puking and pooping and had to take 4 baths before noon!!! ACK! Be glad you didn't have to change bedding and give someone a bath at 2 AM.
You should feel better already! You aren't covered in vomit and feces! :) Glad I could help.
I'm there with ya! Hugs from Maine http://sophie4me.blogspot.com
Funny! As usual. Even sleepy/cranky, you gotta good kind of sarcasm going April!
Great. The kids are grown and gone but we still have a cat in bed with us.
Thanks, but I have my own. (Except my dog now has two puppies in training to bark at everything at every hour of the night. How is it that I am the only one that can hear the dogs wanting to be let out?)
Yes, and 5 cats can cover you nicely. Sort of like sleeping under a tablecloth at a picnic!
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