Sunday, July 16, 2006

But, I really am a mother...I swear!

First I was paralyzed. When will the instincts just kick in? Surely I’ll know what to do. How will I know its okay not to feel guilty? Can anyone see me, touch me, hear me? No. I’m alone.

For over 24 freaking hours!!!
They're all gone. Their dad took them to Kansas. That’s right, they are in a totally different state. Aaaaand I’m in my house, out in the middle of the woods, where lots of creatures roam around in my garage no less.

I didn’t clean the house.
I didn’t cook.
I didn’t watch a movie.

I did roam around a couple antique shops while sipping a frozen latte that made my stomach hurt, so even though my children weren’t with me I still had to find an emergency bathroom and debate on if I should just go home because being out is inconvenient and laborious.

Then I drove. I drove to a store with lots of breakable things and paint and other cheap stuff. I refused beyond all measure to go to W-Mart so instead I went to K-Mart. Oooh, live on the wild side April! I even pushed a cart around because I felt stupid and naked without one. I didn’t buy one darn thing.

Then I drove. Drove myself crazy trying to come up with something to do! Oh, Borders!! Yessss! I never get to sit and look at books. So I did that for a bit. I read a book on four square gardening that made me want to cry because I’m such a gardening idiot and I so want to be a master gardener. So I bought it in hopes that I will change my ways to four square gardening next year.

I ate dinner by myself at Bread Co. because God forbid that I go somewhere original or even girly. I stared at a family with five kids and I think the mom thought, “Yes, I have 5! I see that you are single with no children! Isn’t that just great for you, you get to sit and eat and read!” I so wanted to lean over and help her clean up the table and say, “I know how you feel, I have so many kids you just wouldn’t believe how many I have. Oh, but they aren’t here, you know cuz I sent them away, to another state, and …..I’ll just go sit over here by myself, sorry, sorry, but really I do have kids!”

Then I drove. I drove until I found paradise. It’s a spot off the road where all the houses have white rail fencing for their horses. The houses aren’t grand but the land is. I wanted to pull over and ask how I could live there. Sigh

Then I drove home. I fiddled doing this and that. Finally I decided to watch SNL. The phone rang. I got the news that I had missed something really big in one of the kid’s lives. But at least the kid called me first, so I could really feel guilty.

Now I think I’m a terrible mother. What the heck am I doing here? Why did I want to be alone? I don’t even know what to do! Stupid me! Now I know I would make a terrible single person. What am I going to do tomorrow? They won’t be home until late. God, please? I’m sorry, I just thought one day alone in the house would be nice. I didn’t know, honestly, I didn’t know I would feel so….so lonely.


Jessie said...

April, I could send you my kids.

Everyday Mommy said...

KANSAS!! Why didn't you TELL me?

april said...

Sorry Everyday,
Did you want Clay to swing by your house with the kiddos to use the bathroom? ;)

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