Sunday, December 21, 2008

Baby, it's cold....inside.

Today when we were driving home from church the temperature on the bank sign read 5 degrees.
I remarked how icky cold it was and we drove on home in our toasty warm van.

And then.....

When we got home I gracefully skidded, shimmied, slid, skated, tip toed and arabesques across our icy concrete patio toward our back door and I could hear the high screech of the fire alarms.

Holy ear drum ripping Batman! What's going on in the farmhouse?!

No, the house wasn't on fire.

I don't know what the heckle happened, but the fire alarms were blaring and the house was cold because our furnace wasn't running or hopping or skipping or dancing. It also appears that our electricity had gone off at some point.

So, Clay tried to fix the furnace blah, blah, blah, cold house, blah, blah blah, had to call the heating fixer guy, blah, blah, blah, can't fix it.

What? Can't fix it?!

April does not like to be cold. April is already in hibernating mode, being cold is only going to cause her to dig deeper into the pile of covers on her bed and not reappear until... April. April has all of the sudden started writing this post in third person. April is a big goon.

Okay, moving on with this chilling story.

Thank God and Jesus oh, why not, let's thank Mary and Holy St. Joseph while were at it that we do have electricity. I propped open our ovens and cranked up the heat and stood in front of the open oven doors. Then I made coffee and went up to my room where I turned on the portable heater and snuggled under my blankets with my four year old, who by the way, is the toastiest little marshmallow ever.

Then the phone rang.

It was Virginia, my octogenarian neighbor, calling to see if we were doing okay. Yes, I assured her we were fine and I told her our heat was out, but we had a space heater and were staying warm enough.

Shouldn't I have been calling to check on her? Isn't that what the news people always say to do when it's too cold or too hot? Call and check on your elderly neighbors. Those news people don't know Virginia. Virginia would make those news people look like nimrods. Virginia makes me look like a nimrod. I am a nimrod.

Virginia told me they had their wood furnace cranked up and had been using a little space heater in their bathroom, but when she got the electric bill it was seventy whole dollars and she decided she shouldn't use the space heater as much.

Seventy whole dollars!

Just when I think I'm being frugal and so very careful with our resources, ,my elderly neighbor proves to me otherwise. Did I tell you that Virginia was hanging out her laundry the other day when is was freezing cold? FREEZING COLD! She told me she was freeze drying. FREEZE DRYING!! That woman makes me feel like a slug.

And that's my story for today. I sure wish we had one of them there corn stoves or better yet Clay did mention the stove that you can shove an entire elephant into and heat your house for a whole year.



idreamicanfly said...

Wow, and here I was moaning because it was raining inside my house the other day. I sure don't miss the cold!

Thinking of you from my warm-ish house here in San Diego :)

Linda said...

Linda does not do cold either. Oh no. It dips below 50 degrees and I'm whining. I want a Virginia for my neighbor ... she sounds pretty awesome. And I want a $70 electric bill. At the height of summer we were running around $500. Linda doesn't do heat either!

Anonymous said...

5 degrees??? What's the problem??? We are having an unusual cold snap of -30C which equals roughly -30F!!!!! And I have to keep hauling in wood from the frigid outdoors to keep the toasty wood stove a burnin'. I want Virginia's electric bill too!!
Glad you warmed up though. Whilst your sister down the road made chocolates...

Clayvessel said...

Your farmhouse doesn't have a woodstove??? Or at least a fireplace? (Not that they're much good for heat.)

Here in the Great Northwest we are BURIED. We have three feet of snow, fallen just in the last few days, and it is snowing hard now. It is eight degrees. Suffering from cabin fever, Dh and I got in the 4WD truck and headed down the mountain to town to see a movie. Ha. The town is buried and deserted. It sure was bee-u-tiful though. It is so cozy to see a house with a blanket of heavy snow, twinkly lights and smoke rising out of the chimney.
It's nice to have a woodstove to roast your hiney on when it's chillin.

Angie said...

I sure hope your furnace is fixed by now! I'd love to send you some of our heat and humidity. Today I was sweating off my makeup before I could even finish putting it on. Merry Christmas !

Sharon said...

I remember those nasty days up north. Our furnace went out and we lit a fire in the fireplace. But that fireplace was never meant to heat anything more than the dog stretched out on the hearth. Brrr!

Now I am chilled when it get to 65 in Florida. Stay warm!

annie said...

I want a neighbor like Virginia. She sounds awesome.

Rechelle said...

Yes, but the shipping on the elephant is outrageous.

Trisha said...

Brrrrr! Stay warm and keep an eye on that neighbor of yours - she seems a bit wiley!

Rhea said...

Virginia is awesome. I want a neighbor like her.

Poor April in hibernation mode.

What the heck is Rechelle talking about with elephants?!

Jenni said...

Not only is the shipping on the elephant outrageous, I'm not sure you could put it out by April. Can you imagine that elephant powered heater running during August in Kansas? Hmmm...maybe you should try imagining that. It might make you warmer. I hope you get your heater running again soon. Not all of us can be like Virginia. Speaking of Virginia, I think we should change that familiar quote around to, "Yes, Santa, there is a Virginia." Your neighbor may be more unbelievable than St. Nick.

I love your modern American Gothic, btw.

Gladys said...

I feel your pain. It was -14 this morning and I wouldn't crawl out of the covers until Kahuna had gotten up started the fire, turned the shower on to heat up the water and fixed me coffee. I am now sitting next to a warm glowing fire sipping hot coffee after having a nice hot shower. Now he wants me to go outside! I don't think so...

PS: Them Corn Stoves are AWESOME! We have one at our SoCal house and that thing heats up the house, the patio, the garage the boulders but it's not big enough for an elephant.

Coffee Bean said...

You make me laugh you nimrod!

Jenni said...

um...poor elephant.

Anyhoo.. " A $70 HEAT BILL" !!!!

Those 80 year olds really need to start teaching classes on being frugal and saving energy.

Hope you are warm now.