Friday, November 09, 2007

The Seeing Impaired

I have one sibling, Rechelle who is 18 months older than me.  She has many, many talents.  So many that it's impossible for me to list them all here without making her sound like a super human.  Unfortunately, she also has some problems.   She has horrendous eyesight.  If she's not wearing her contacts and can't find her glassed then she's rendered completely handicapped.  Sadly, I think her eyesight is getting worse.  It seems she can no longer see doors and depth perception may be a thing of her past.  


Join me now as I walk you through a reenactment of her latest mishap.

Rechelle pulled up to the back of my house to retrieve her sons after a lovely afternoon of shopping.  Ethan, her second son, stood at the back door shielded from the cold night wind waving hello to his mother.  Now, it was dark and the lights were illuminating from inside the house causing a clear view into our house, but still, to the average sighted person well, basically to any normal human being that lives inside a house and finds leaving doors open to the night inefficient to their heating bill, it is obvious that we have a storm door.

But, for my sister and the entire community of seeing impaired people, there is no door on my back stoop.  So, she exited her van and walked briskly across the concrete patio to get out of the cold Kansas wind.  Lalalalalala, life is sweet, she was so happy, so blissful, lalalalalala.
"Hi boys!"  She said entering the house .
Ah, but she was not to enter the house.  Just at that very moment, a force field was placed between the house and the outdoors.  What could it be?  Dear Lord!  She smacked against the door so hard that it sounded like my kids had slammed a ball against the  door.  "WHAT WAS THAT?"  I yelled, ready to pounce on any of my nephews or children that were interrupting my blogging bliss.
My daughter, Ellen, saw her aunt bounce off the storm door and then instead of going to see if she could help, she came to the office and holding back her laughter said, "Um, Mom?  Aunt Rechelle just ran into the door". 

She ricocheted off the door and then since there is nowhere to go but down, well, she went down.
"I'm going to break something!"  "God help me!"  


She landed face down on the patio.  Smack!
Poor, poor, blind woman. 
The kittens ran to give her CPR and lick her flesh wounds.
She got up, assessed the damage and thankfully nothing was broken.  As she walked slowly and  sorely towards the stoop, this time she reached for the knob that opens my back door.  She gingerly made her way to my couch and sat stone faced while we peppered her with questions. Biting our cheeks trying desperately not to laugh, "Are, are phbt, are you hurt?  Ddddid  phhh, did you not, there's a door, mmmph, ha, a door, did you not see the door?  Haha, How did you fall?  Sorry, you're right, it's not funny, mmph, phblt, excuse me I need to got into the other room for a bit, I feel a sudden need to uh, um, well, ha, ahem, haha, ahem-ahem, hahahahahahahahahah, sorry, sorry, I know it's not funny, sorry."

A few days later I cleaned a perfect face print off my back door. 

21 comments:

annie said...

that is SO hililarious! ummm I mean, sorry about that Rechelle!

KellyJean said...

I found you through your sister's site, which I found through PW's site. I was reading through the comments from an entry back in May where y'all were discussing whether PW was real or not. Someone suggested your sister write about her retarded sister and you commented something to the effect or whether they could see you giving the finger. ROFLOL! I am a new blogger.

muddy mama said...

So, so funny!! How very kind your sister is to risk life and limb to give us a much needed laugh!

You know, maybe you should put some stickers or something on the glass so the nearly blind can see it.

Anonymous said...

Oh, April, thank you for that. My eyes are watering from laughing. :)
--annieb

lori shaffer said...

Love the photo documentary! Hilarious...in a sadistic sort of way. Glad you're O-K, Rechelle.

April, that'll teach you to keep your glass so clean. Not EVEN a blind woman could mistake my doors for pure clean air!

It's also slightly disturbing that a woman who can't see a closed door was DRIVING A CAR just moments before! Yikes...

lori shaffer said...

BTW - an Oscar-winning performance by Ellen! Nice job, Missy!

iloveupstate.com said...

Ellen is hysterical!!

I hope you're all chipping in for lasik surgery for Rechelle for Christmas.

Crunchy Chicken said...

Sick. You guys are sick, sick, sick.

But, I do think the kitty eating Ellen's dead body adds a nice dramatic touch.

Michelle said...

I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh. I must admit, I would have had a hard time holding back the giggles as Rechelle sat on my couch in a daze.

(Sorry Rechelle...really I am on your side...I am a big sister...I know how ruthless younger sisters can be...if you need help getting back at April...well, just ask me,
I am known for my sister retaliation skills...)

By the way, Ellen deserves an academy award for her amazing reinactment.

~*~ Jennifer ~*~ said...

Oh my goodness gracious -- I'm so glad I stopped by here this morning. How refreshing!

So refreshing -- I don't think I'll need to shower this morning... or maybe so... We'll see.

Kathy from NJ said...

If Ellen doesn't mind being called Bellers, you should tell Rechelle to pound salt. If Ellen objects to the lovingly given nickname, well, that's between you & your daughter. Personally, I love the name Ellen; my favorite aunt is MaryEllen, my sister is Susan Ellen, I know five other Ellens and they are all lovely people.

iloveupstate.com said...

I'm easily lead:

April, I don't know you, but your all wise and ever loving sister - Rechelle told me to tell you that Bellers is a stupid name and to change it now and also to stop making fun of people that hurt themselves when they accidentally walk into a glass door that they can't even see!

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Well, it's true. You are as funny as your sister. Now I can go to bed for real because I have had two good laughs.

By the way, your sister says to tell you something, um, something about someone's name not being proper but I forget because I should be in bed and I'm not and most of my brain has quit working.

Thanks again for the laugh.

martha in mobile said...

This would be really, really funny if I hadn't done the same thing a week ago.

Not that I'm on your sister's side or anything, but "Bellers" is a name that doesn't express the beauty that is your daughter!

stewfive said...

You two! *giggle* I just love you two!

I'm the girl to help with a new nickname. I think there's a problem with my genetic code that makes me compulsively use nicknames on my three BOYS. Terms of the deepest endearment. Just ask them and they will say, "please, please, we're begging, take these names for Ellen and keep them!" So here ya go - pumpkin, pumpkin patch (my personal favorite), pooky, sweet pea, sweet potato, honey bear, honey pot, sweets, peach tree and apple pie. All well-broken in.

I'm having trouble telling you enough with the "Bellers" already, however, as my third son is currently being called "Spudsville". I have no explanation...

KellyJean said...

I like Bellers. It is original. I need a pseudonym for my husband on my blog. Maybe you can help!

Leah W said...

"April, I don't know you, but your all wise and ever loving sister - Rechelle told me to tell you that Bellers is a stupid name and to change it now and also to stop making fun of people that hurt themselves when they accidentally walk into a glass door that they can't even see!"

"Feel free to suggest a few alternatives for a much improved name like "Daisy and Lilacs" or "Primrose" or "Lace Eyelet Curtains" or "Sundress" or "Satin Ribbons". You know, all the things that a mother of boys never gets to experience and remind her that "Bellers" sounds like the noise a drunk makes right before he pees all over sidewalk in front of the bar. "

Cynthia said...

Call her whatever SHE wants to be called, but make sure she keeps acting out these silly moments. My 4 girls and I were rolling!!

Vonda said...

This is very funny and Ellen did such a great job acting it out. Makes me laugh because we used to have a sliding glass door that separated our family room from our livingroom in a house we rented years ago. I can't tell you how many people bashed into that not realizing it was closed (it was darned cold in there). I think you should save the face print and have it etched in the glass so you can always see your lovely sisters face.

Ummm, by the way. Your sister says to stop calling names. There.

Anonymous said...

WEll mother that was an extreamly funny post since I starred in it!!! and all of you peoples who think that my nickname is stupid well you can just turn off your computer and go tell somoneelse they have a stupid nickname!!!!!


HA

Ellen

Chile said...

Man, this makes me wish my older sister had a blog so I could make fun of her...