Doncha wish you could hear me talk?

My mom invents and mispronounces words. I inherited this and I've noticed my daughter starting to do the same.

The other day my daughter was remarking on the hot-cross buns we were eating and said, "These taste like that Marty Grass cake". I turned and said, "Mom? Is that you? Oh, no it's Ellen. Sweetie, it's pronounced Mardi Gras."

I have trouble with words like hill and sill, they come out sounding like heel and seal. I say rueen instead of ruin. I broke my habit of saying warsh and Warshington when I went to college. I still end many sentences with a preposition and I'll never remember if it should be farther or further or affect or effect. Yes, I homeschool. So? My kids don't stand a chance, poor things.

My mom has given us some great one-liners that we use all the time. She ends every phone conversation with, "Now, line up those kids and give them a big hug and kiss!" I like to say this to my husband when he's at work except I say, "Now, line up your co-workers and give them a big hug and kiss!" and, off the subject, but worthy of sharing, if he tells me he has to work late or will be taking a business trip or isn't getting to work on the job he wants then I say, "Put Dave on the phone, let me see what I can do." Dave is his boss.

Another simple, but effective, um, affective, um, errr, where's the dictionary? (Never mind, my best solution is to just avoid words I can't comprehend.) Another great one liner we use is simply yelling, "Harry!" except you have to emphasize the first syllable so it sounds like, "Haaaa-ree!" Harry, is my dad. When mom can't get him to shut-up or agree with her, then she simply screams his name. It's mighty effec, affect, uh, um, well, it works really well. My husband and I use this when we're frustrated beyond comprehension at each other, especially when he is driving and not using my keen sense of direction to guide him where he needs to go.

If mom can't remember a name she just calls them Ole Whatchajigger. There are so many people named Ole Whatchajigger, that I have a hard time keeping them straight, but apparently I know all of them, "You know him, oh, it's Ole Whatchajigger, he lives just down the road from us." That usually makes it crystal clear.

I'm going to use my mom as a character in a book someday. I might have to wait until after she passes, which I hope is not for a long while, because I'm still collecting material from her and I can't make this stuff up.