Monday, March 19, 2007

The Broom and I

I fired my cleaning service. Not really, but saying it that way makes me feel powerful. They came twice a month and it was so wonderful. But, never again, or at least not until I'm desperate.

I'm desperate. Come back cleaning ladies, come back!

My children outnumber me four to one. I can only sweep my kitchen floor twenty times a day before I decide it's just a stupid waste of energy. I can only yell and bark orders so many times before I just give up and hide in the office hoping when I come out the house will be in order and smelling fresh.

Uncle! Mercy!

To make myself feel better I'm writing a list of what I plan to do to my children's homes when I visit them, which will be often and for several weeks at at time.

1. I will pee all over the toilette seat and heck maybe on the floor and if I'm still agile enough I'll aim some at the wall and I will never flush the toilette, ever or wash my hands.

2. I'm going to spill every beverage I'm handed on the countertop and then to be helpful I'll use every paper napkin available to clean it up, but leave the soggy napkins on the countertop to dry therefore gluing themselves to the counter.

3. I'll drop my clothes in the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen, the foyer, the porch, the basement and leave a few socks in their car.

4. I'm going to pack the largest suitcase I can find with five bazillion Legos. I will drop Legos in the toilette, the sink, put some in the fireplace, sprinkle them in the yard, chuck a few in the garage and then like a flower girl I will promenade through the house and lightly dust every room with a covering of colorful plastic, oh the glee.

5. I will bring with me an entire tube of toothpaste and on the last day I'm at their house I will brush my teeth and then smear toothpaste in the sink on the floor, the mirror, the tub and I'll rub some in the carpet with my foot and then toss the empty tube in a drawer without the cap.

6. I will take all their DVDs and CDs and put them in the wrong cases, and leave a few empty.

7. I'll hide all their remotes and cordless phones.

8. I'll go into their closets and try on all their shoes and then throw them out of the closet when I'm done.

9. I'll open every packaged food item and then leave it open and place it precariously on the edge of the shelf in the pantry so when they open the door the bag will tip out and spill the entire bag of chips, cheerios, nuts, pretzels and what have you all over the floor.

10. I will use every towel they own.

11. I will offer to sweep up some of the spilled pantry items and then dump the dustpan into their car.

12. I'll hold a handful of Hershey kisses in my hands until they're all nice and gooey and then I will finger paint the windows, just cuz.

13. I'll stand in one spot, preferably their bedroom and hold the trigger of a full can of wretched smelling Lysol until it fizzes out, leaving the fumes to cascade around the room for days.

14. I'll offer to do their laundry and then dump it all in their closet.

15. I'll hide half eaten Oreo cookies under all the couch cushions.

16. I'll accidentally break one precious thing or maybe two.

17. I'll smear honey on all the door knobs.

18. I'll cry, whine and act sick if they ask me to help clean up.

19. I'll beg for all my friends to come over when I've got the house looking really ripe.

20. I'll look around and swear repeatedly that the house doesn't look that messy.

and then I'll line them up, give them a hug, a kiss and wave goodbye, until next time....


Jandy said...

Good list! Except #15...what a waste of perfectly good Oreos! How is it possible to only eat half an Oreo?

Anonymous said...

Ha! Thanks, April. My family is staging their annual sometime-around-spring-break-sick-time -- well, they are not really staging it on purpose (I keep telling myself this) and, man, did I need to laugh. I totally love your list. I think that I'll adopt those for my own....maybe that and add -- 21. Make sure to wake them up at the crack of dawn every single banging stuff and jumping into bed with them. Yep. Oh, and 22. Refuse to eat anything except my very favorite stuff which will be their least liked food. That would make it complete.

LaShawn said...

LOVE THIS!!!! Linking to it!

Anonymous said...

Barb :)

Crunchy Chicken said...

Ummmm. You aren't keeping track, are you?

Absolutely hilarious!

Bishop & Shayden's Mommy a.k.a. Brad's wife...*sigh* said...

LOL...I can't wiat to torture my children:)!!

Jane said...

I'm printing this list for future reference...

jennifer said...


Pretty good list. Thanks for providing us with a battle strategy.

~*~ Jennifer ~*~ said...

That is hilarious... all kids do these things? I thought they were just mine! **sigh**

Someone on HK linked to your blog... I think I'll subscribe. Very funny read!

JJRiding said...

This is priceless April!!!! I am sure my neighbors are wondering what all the laughter is coming from my house--the windows are open--beautiful day today. Certainly brings back "those" days of child rearing. Kind of miss them. Joanie

Kristine said... CRACK ME UP!! Yes, I have 2 little girls, who except for the pee part, fit this to a "T". The sad yet however ironic thing is, is that when they are old enough to have a house of their own, you will miss them so much...yes, even the 1/2 eaten oreos under couch cusions and little bodies jumping in bed with you, that all will be forgiven and you will be a polite loving mom who will not make a mess in THEIR houses, but who will fix dinner and offer to tidy up and babysit for them etc. etc. Ah...the parody of it all. :0)

Joanna said...

This is brilliant! It made me laugh out loud - because unfortunately I can relate to most of it - with 2 house trashing boys of my own. Thanks for sharing, it has started my day off wonderfully!

Victoria said...

I'm sending this to my daughter who has 5 children, 4 boys 1 girl, and 4 are teenagers in high school. All are in sports,etc. I too have plans for my grandsons for when they are grown and have nice new cars they love. Can't wait. Love your site. Thanks. Victoria

Indigo said...

I came by way of your sister. Thank you, thank you for a list I plan on using when I visit my daughter. She just recently moved into her first home, a townhouse. I've been wanting to play her for years. (Hugs) Indigo

jules said...

This is the funniest blog I've read ever. No really, ever. I read it and almost peed (sp?) in my pants. I've called everyone I know and read it to them. Well done. I love your sense of humor. Oh wait, you weren't kidding were you? I think I'd add one to the list and poop on the tile entry way. Is that going too far? I can never tell.

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