Friday, December 28, 2007

Take that cookie and shove it!

I can hardly wait to visit my children when they are grown. This Christmas season as I look around my house I find myself planning the wonderful times we’ll have together.

I’ll arrive a few weeks before Christmas so I can help decorate. First, I’ll take the lights outside and bang them on the side of the house. After I’ve broken half the strand and tied it into knots I’ll toss it on the roof and exclaim, “That is soooooo beautiful!”.

I’ll beg, plead, cry and argue about whose turn it is to put the star on top of the tree. Then I’ll insist it’s my turn and would my children please hoist me up to the top so I won’t break a hip?

I’ll look appreciatively at the nativity scene then hide Baby Jesus in the toy chest, pop the head off one of the Wisemen and glue it back on with cranberry sauce.

I’ll volunteer to make sugar cookies. I’ll leave bits of dough under the sink, in the pantry and I’ll use some to make a Santa face on the oven door. When I clean up, I’ll thoroughly dust the kitchen with flour before taking a wet rag to wipe down the surfaces leaving behind a nice crusty haze. Then I’ll eat all the cookies.

I’ll want to make crafts. Lots and lots of crafts that require large amounts of glitter, glue and tiny pieces of paper. I’ll set up my crafting on the dining room table. I’ll get tired after building several three dimensional glitter-glue-paper objects and need to take a nap on my children’s bed where I’ll shed all the glitter, glue and paper off my clothes.

I’ll eat nothing but candy for three days then vomit piles of chocolate-peppermint-cinnamon-orange on every rug, pillow, blanket and shoe they own. When they offer me a plastic bucket, I’ll refuse and tell them, “No thanks, I feel much better now.”

I’ll use three rolls of wrapping paper to wrap a gift card.

I’ll hide the scotch tape in my car and put the scissors in the dryer.

I’ll violently shake all the packages under the tree and repeatedly say, “THIS BETTER NOT BE CLOTHES!!!”

Right before we leave for Christmas Eve services at church I’ll spill juice on the kids’ new outfits, pour mud in their shoes and hide them outside.

When Christmas dinner is served I’ll heap my plate with mashed potatoes and bread then tell my children how bad everything smells and I’m not very hungry.

On my way out the door I’ll give them all a hug, tell them how much I love spending Christmas with them, then smash six ornaments, just because.

18 comments:

jennifer h said...

I think you have some ISSUES.

KellyJean said...

Thanks for the laugh!!! Hey, you should make that into a card or a corny country Christmas song. I'd buy it!

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

This was too funny. Our you-can-play-with-this-Nativity-set always had baby Jesus on top of the wise man's head and the cat in Baby Jesus's bed. I'm a little sad that everything stays right where it belongs.

Carol @ I Throw Like a Girl said...

You sound a little bitter...hilarious, but bitter. Thanks for the laughs!

iloveupstate.com said...

That reminds, I should tell the Fiance "no" on the question of children, huh? LOL

carol @ I throw like a girl said...

PS. May I add you to my blogroll?

april said...

Yes, Carol I am bitterly hilarious and yes you may add me to your blogroll. Thanks!

Upstate-If you don't have children how will you ever know the limits of your patience? Plus I think it's fun to see how many varieties of children two people can create...it's like picking donuts.

Jennifer-I don't have issues...I have a BLOG! harharhar

Lynne-this was the "story" I wrote for our Christmas card this year, I still don't have them all mailed. I'm lame.

Whispering Hope said...

Very nice writing, so cute! But, I have to tell you, April, chances are they'll still want Mom to do Christmas at her house! :)

CraftyWaugh said...

You forgot: Wait until everyone is seated for the special Christmas Eve dinner and one of your children is taking a bite of mandarin oranges - - to confess that you dropped used matches in the fruit, please don't eat it. And then have nothing but bread and potatoes.

Robbyn said...

ahh hahahaha!!! Yes, YES! And don't forget, as a SPECIAL treat, to include lots of PlayDoh (that's really fun to play with on Berber carpet, red or green Koolaid (again, great with Berber carpet) and one million four hundred and thirty nine mini Lego pieces, heh heh!!

The Dairy Wife said...

Hi April!

I hate to tell you this ... you don't get to go to their house until you'll be too old to do anything except be carried in the door and sat on the couch. They'll keep coming year after year and I promise by the time it's their turn ... you'll either have Dementia or won't care.

(laughing my butt off ... this was a great post and so funny. I've thought the same thing over and over)

You're a hoot and I'm adding you to my list!

Have a great New Year New.

Tanya

Cynthia said...

Oh my. I have NEVER felt this way! Life with my 6 children is always so neat and orderly. and they are so grateful for everything. They are always wonderful. My daughter Ella is standing here dictating this to me. She is 9. She knows she is a liar. I have trained her well. hahahahahah

Jenni said...

Having grown children will be SO much fun! I am so very glad you posted this list since I have one that will be 18 next year. My youngest is already 11. You've put it all in perspective for me. I can hardly wait to get started on this list!

Anonymous said...

I think you're channeling Erma Bombeck!

Another good one, no wonder your mother couldn't get a breath better laughs!

Mrs. C.

CowtownCarrie said...

I think you have captured the essence of a child's holiday!

Anonymous said...

Hah, now I know why your mom was laughing so hard in the video! I am so glad I "trickled" over here from PW's blog, you and your sister are seriously funny!

Melissa F

notmuchofacook said...

You should frame this and hang it up every Christmas season.

melissa said...

You are too funny. But you forgot one... You will sit at the beautiful dinner table with family all around and just as everyone starts eating you will say"I think i'm going to" and then puke all over the table. Now that's a good Christmas