Sunday, February 03, 2008

Elephant Droppings

Because the small details of my life are important to you. Yes they are. Yes they are. Are too. Are too, infinity!

One or both of our toilettes are clogged nearly every single day. I'm serious. This is not one of my exaggerations to make a better story......uh, I mean, I'm telling the truth here, no lie!

C- Which one of our boys put the huge turd in the toilet and clogged it up?
A- Levi
C- It looks like an elephant dropping!
A- I know. He was complaining that his back hurt while he pushed it out, but he's fine now.
C- Good, lord.

I have boys that clog the toilet with their huge elephant turds. Every. Ding. Dang. DAY!
How do I cope with this awful daily event? I ignore it. I don't acknowledge the incident, until Clay asks me if I'm aware that all the toilets are clogged. Yes, I know. Then he looks at me, furrows his brow, squints his eyes, bites his bottom lip and heads out to the barn to get the plunger.......until I suggested he might want to keep it in the basement, since, you know, he needs to use it so often.

Since I'm of no assistance in the de-clogging effort, Clay has decided to teach the parties responsible for the nuisance how to unclog the toilet. The first lesson sounded a bit like this;

"No, no you put this end of the plunger in the toilet. DON'T SWING IT AROUND! Wait, wait, don't touch anything with it!"

That's about all I could stand to hear, so I tuned out any other useful tips that I may have gained in the art of elephant turd extraction.

Today, after the latest offense Clay called to me from the kitchen.

C- April, come here.
A- No.
C- April, come here.
A- I said, NO.
C- April, come here.
A- If your making me come look at that giant turd, I'm not coming!
C- April, come here.
A- I don't want to learn how to use a plunger.
C- April, come here.
A- If this has anything to do with that toilet....I'm not doing it.
C-April, come here.
A- I'm not participating in anything that's has to do with poop!
C-April........come here.
A- sigh (realizing he's not going to give up) FINE! WHAT?

C-We're making cookies.


C- What can I use instead of brown sugar?

A- Are you going to make me unclog the toilet?

C- No.

So, I gave him the sugar he could use and he made cookies with his kids. Then he unclogged the toilet....until tomorrow. And I didn't have to do a darn thing. Life is good.


cndymkr said...

Welcome to the club. I had to learn how to use the plunger as there is only one toilet and my son won't go while at school.
jean said...

My best friend in high school used to clog our toilet all the time...and my Dad would let out a huge 'humph' when he was told that she was coming over...he knew he'd be plunging before the day was out.

Umm, more fiber!!??!

Muddy Mama said...

We keep the plunger tucked behind the kids' bathroom toilet. It is used almost daily. Don't tell me you didn't want to hear that. Did so. Did so, infinity!

By the way, you've been tagged. ;)

Cynthia said...

I have the same mixer and crock pot as you. Small world, eh?

We also keep the plunger right next to the toilet. and use it regularly. Hah, regular. Get it?

In the kids bathroom they would let the toilet overflow. On an almost daily basis. It got so bad that we had to put an out of order sign on the toilet because they had rotted the subfloor. My husband has had some time and now has the bathroom torn down to the studs.
Maybe this time we can keep teh bathroom intact until they all move out!

Jennifer said...

You are hilarious! I was born in April, can we be best friends? I swear we must be separated at birth because you write things the way I would say things sometimes and when I read them to my oldest (age 12 in 2 days) she laughs and has actually asked me if I know you in real life. ;) Have a great day! said...

hey...there's only 3 kids in that picture. is the 4th one...yanno...out clogging?

Debbie said...

This must be a common problem in more homes than I thought. I bought a plunger for every toilet-the lady at Walmart thought it was some kind of record(4) I didn't tell her that I already owned 3. I buy only cheap, thin tp for the kids' bathrooms, but still am plunging regularly-although not as much now that some of the kids are out of the house for part of the day and/or they started listening to me and do a 2 part flush...

april said...

Wow, you all are making me feel much better about our problem.

Upstate....I have no idea where the other one was. Clay was mostly making cookies with the two littles, the girl was just snagging the dough.

Cynthia, I'm feeling for you. Living through any kind of renovations is only fun for about 2 hours.

Debbie, I don't what to own 7 plungers?

Muddy, I'll try to get to your tag this week and combine the other two I've been putting off.

april said...

Jennifer, anyone born in April is obviously a very special person. My 11yo will turn 12 in April, he is very special.....he's running outside barefoot getting incredibly muddy right now, he's so very special.

Debbie said...

yes, and I know how to use them.

Lori Shaffer said...

We have a plunger in every bathroom. My bathroom is the one that clogs at least once a day. As frustrating as it is, I'm glad it's MINE, so I don't have to wonder if the boys cleaned the plunger before setting it back in the closet! sweet! She's taming you, Clay. Resist before it's too late!

Rechelle said...

So what kinda cookies.... Elephant turd chip? Yummy!

KellyJean said...

I can beat that. Our toilet doesn't get clogged very often here, unless one of our daughter's friends comes over. However, growing up, my little brother produced bigger than elephant turds. In fact, his broke toilets. We used to all gather in the bathroom when he was 5 to see turds as big around as his arm. I'm not even exaggerating. My Dad had to institute the "shit stick." It was kept wrapped up and hidden under the sink and my Dad would go in and chop the turd up before flushing... and still have to use the plunger sometimes. True story. AND that brother is now 6'10" and doesn't even take a crap in his own house. He does what he calls, "Drop and Runs" where he goes to gas stations or McDonalds or places where people he doesn't like work. He's broken toilets all over the city he lives in. He came and stayed with us after going through rehab 7 years ago. The first thing I did was get a shit stick.

Sorry for saying shit.

april said...

Kelly- thank you for sharing, and making me laugh and God help me if my boys get that tall.

Clay said...

You forgot to mention how cheerful I was and how I was saying "April, come here" in a lovely sing song voice.

Vonda said...

OMG! There is something about making cookies and talking about turds, shit sticks and toilet bowls that make my stomach lurch. Pardon while I run to the toilet.

Too funny!

Pamelotta said...

If I could get my kids to actually flush their turds, maybe my toilet would get stopped up. But by the time I find them, or smell them, they're ready to go!

My biggest problem now is my 9 year old and his "gas attacks." I will never understand how someone who has been outside for a good twenty minutes playing will wait until he gets into a car with the windows rolled up to release it on us all. It infuriates me.

Your husband rocks! And by the way, my husband and I have been trying to do that little dance you posted at Christmas time where you say switch and do your arms opposite of your hands. My husband is a pro but I just can't get it!

Jenni said...

Wha...whaaaat?!? How do you train them to do that?

Cynthia said...

I thought about this post today as I spent a magority of the day hanging over the toilet throwing up.

I am so glad I came back and read the rest of the comments. They made me laugh, but not out loud cause my head still hurts too much to laugh out loud. Or move. Or talk. But I did go and vote. It was extremely painful. I am just grateful I did not throw up on any of the nice elderly ladies that work at the polling station!