Monday, May 22, 2006

Mommy Hangover

Is this what having a hang over is like?

This morning I woke up with a headache. Not a good start to the day. While I was lying there contemplating the throbbing, Levi had the audacity to nail me in the temple with the corner of a book. "Ooooow! That Hurt!" I screamed and then hurled the book across the room, I'm so mature and I never overreact.

Isaac was a broken record saying, "Can you please make me some oatmeal? You're not in the kitchen making me oatmeal. Okay, now can you make me some oatmeal? Oatmeal.....oatmeal. Make me oatmeal."

Why? Why do they torment me so? I stumbled to the cabinet popped some Advil and made some coffee.

Act I Scene I
(April stumbling around kitchen ranting about filth.)

ring ring

C-How tall is Isaac?
A-I dunno.
C-How much do Seth and Ellen weigh?
A-I dunno, maybe 85 to 90? Why?
C-I'm calculating their adult height.
A-Okay, what did you come up with?
C-Ellen 5'11', Seth 6'7", Isaac 6'8"
(April does not want to think about how difficult and expensive clothing giants will be and is having trouble expressing any sort of glee over her husband's excitement of potentially freakishly tall children)
A-Okay, can I go now?
C-Yeah, let me know how tall Isaac is, kay?
A-Yep, I'll get right to that.
(April proceeds to whine and complain that waking up to a dirty kitchen is the one thing she hates the most....whaaa, whaaaa....Oatmeal, Oatmeal!)

A-What do you want, now?
C-Hi, Sunshine! Are you going to go out of town June.....(lots of mumbo jumbo about dates, trips, walk-a-thon..blah, blah, blah)
A-Are you just going to keep calling me about stupid stuff or are you actually going to do some work today?
C-(continues on about dates, summer, blah, blah)....and to answer your question, no, I am just going to keep calling you and not do any work today.
A-Fabulous, can I go now?
C-Yes, love you honey...line the kids up and give 'em all hugs and kisses for me.
A-Did I tell you I have a gogache (our word for headache).
C-Yes, you mentioned that and I'm sorry.
A-Goodbye. (thundercloud boom over her head)
C-Bye bye! (the rainbow and glitter emitting from the phone line dissipates)

Curtain Closes

Act I Scene II

(April goes to change poopy diaper to discover that the heaping mound of clothes on her bedroom floor has been folded and stacked. Smile.)

E-Mom, I can't find my history test, but I found this book.
A-Clifford goes to Washington!!!! You found it? You get an award. (Library book had been missing for a couple months. Library fines averted once again.)
E-Do I really get an award?
A-Yes! (hugs her daughter and swats her on the bottom) There you go.
E-That's not a reward.
A-Okay, I'll make you one.
E-Really? What kind? When?
A-Ugh! I dunno, now run along little doggie.

to be continued.....for the rest of my life!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Summer 2006

Summer is upon me. Here is my list of things I've been thinking about doing.

READER BEWARE: There may be some abbreviated cursing in this list. My adult rule is that if the word is in the bible it's okay to say.

1. Organize the God in Heaven above help me I can't walk through the damned garage. A lil' blaspheme to my husband and son who dropped their mud-encrusted, paint-ball clothing at the threshold of the garage door over a freakin' month ago as I proclaimed, "I. Am. Not. Going. To. Deal. With. That!" and apparently they have decided it will be a cold day in hell when they deal with it too. Serenity now!

2. Paint my bedroom furniture. No, not the estate sale fodder in my bedroom, I'm talking about the furniture that I've had since I was in second grade. I think my parents bought the entire collection. The only piece I don't have at my house is the headboard. The pieces that are scattered in various rooms of my house are; desk with hutch, chair, three drawer dresser with hutch, long six drawer dresser, high boy six drawer dresser, mirror and night stand. Why did I have this much furniture? It has served my family well over the years, unfortunately it's very girlie for a family with three boys and we have never been able to fit all of it in Ellen's room and for the love of all that is holy she will never own enough clothing to fit in all those drawers! Scary thing is that I did own enough clothing as a child to fill all those drawers and a walk-in closet. Let's say it together, "gluttony".

3. Start an exercise program. What's so funny?

4. Finish reading Gilead. Why am I so NOT interested in this book? I've been reading it a couple pages at a time, in the bathroom no less, for about five months.

5. Finish reading Garrison Keilor's book.

That's it. A list of five tasks that I could complete in a few days. Well, except the exercise bit.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Headline- Baby living in Wal-Mart, Mother astounded at his survival skills.

Where's Levi?

I think I may have accidentally brought home the wrong baby from Wal-Mart a few weeks ago.

I say Wal-Mart because I so rarely go anywhere else. I wish I could say Target, Whole Foods or just any other store other than the giant Wally World. My Super Dee Dooper Wal-Mart has undergone a face lift and painted everything the color of what I like to call "Oops" paint. It's this brownish, mauvish, greyish, in other words putrid color. I think someone must have said, "We can't sell these millions of gallons of returned paint, so let's dump them all together and paint our store!". The result is less than lovely.

Now, back to the baby.

Levi has reverted back to his old way of sleeping. He's waking up just as Clay and I are going to sleep. Our attempts to let him cry himself back to sleep have failed, since he can climb out of his crib and come find us. When we rescue him from his obvious misery he only wants to straddle me and lay his little silky head on my right shoulder...not left no, no, that is obviously uncomfortable for him. Once he has found his comfort zone, which is me, he instantly falls back asleep.

He has also become very snuggly as of late. He just can't get enough of me. I have received so many gushy kisses that I've stopped asking for them. He follows me around everywhere and needs to have me in his line of vision at all times. He holds his hands up for me to hold him. This is the child that usually wants nothing more than to escape my grasp.

My mother and sister have both posed the question, "Is he teething?". Well, yes, but does that make him act like a complete stranger? How do I get him to start sleeping through the night again? If I have to admit that I am not the child rearing expert that I've been posing to be, no, I'm sure I still have expertise, this is not my child. I think I better get back to Wal-Mart and put up some posters of my missing baby.

In the mean time I know you would love to give me advice about how to take care of the sleeping problem. I'll take your advice and test it on this baby. I'm sure his mother won't mind if I help her out a bit.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I like Ike

Two line bio and a picture to go please.

So, I'm in this group of elevenish women that desperately need to write about their lives and need others to validate them by leaving lots of comments. I'll put a link to the group when it officially starts, you know just like I put up the links to all the other blogs I read on the right, all two of them: edit and edit. The leader has asked for a two line bio and picture from all the members.

blink, blink, still drawing a blank as to what I need to say for a two line bio, no creative juices flowing, blink, blink

Any assistance with this would be greatly appreciated.

A picture? Seriously? I feel this will be a huge undertaking in which children will be involved and at least 30 minutes of make-up and hair styling.

How 'bout this?

Good Wife, Good Mom
Good God, Good Life

maybe I should put God first

Good God, Good Wife
Good Kids, No Dog

change the rhyme pattern?

Four Kids, No Dog
Good Wife, Thank God

or this?

Good Woman, Good Man
Two Cats, Four Brats

too harsh? okay.

One Woman married to One Man
Raising four kids on some lan(d)
phbbt didt a phbbt (this is my attempt to do the microphone rapper gigahoo)

maybe one of these?

There once was a girl with long hair that was yellow
She married a tall, funny, red-headed fellow
They had four kids
And flipped their lids
And dance around shaking their hineys like jell-o

What do you think? Good? No? I'll keep working on it.

Friday, May 12, 2006


Isaac vs. Mom

I- Where's that thing?

M- What thing?

I-That thing I was playing with, you know?

M- I don't know what your talking about.

I- Yes you do, that thing with the thing on the top....the Thing.

M-Honey, telling me Thing is not helping me understand what your looking for.

I- Errrrrrr! I'm talking about THE THING! Oh, there it is!

M- (scoops out another handful of dead brain tissue)

Seth vs. Mom

S- Mom, do you know what Americans use for chopsticks?

M- (standing at the counter with a fork in my hand) Uh, a fork?

S- Nope. These. (holds up his fingers in scissor fashion and begins to eat strawberries with his American chopsticks)

M- But, Americans use chopsticks for chopsticks.

S- Mom, Americans do not use Americans for chopsticks.

M-That's not what I said.

S- You can't pick up two people and start eating with them. (motions picking up a huge person to hold like a chopstick)

M- (not appreciating the humor of the situation) Seth! I said Americans use chopsticks for chopsticks!!! (flicks the oozing brain cells from her ear)

Levi vs. Mom

L- (complaining from his highchair)

M- Do you want to get down?

L- Noah. (sweet way of saying his one

M- Do you want some more to eat?

L- Noah, noah.

M- Do you love your Mommy?

L- Noah, noah, noah, nooooah.

M- I asked for that, didn't I?

L- (nods his head yes)

M-(wipes away the last drops of intelligence from her forehead)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


I told the kids that I was in the office working and they had to practice piano, do memory work, fold laundry and watch the little ones. Muhaw haw haw!

This weekend or last weekend, hmmm, you know the one we just had? Anyway, it was so great. Why? Because...

1. I got the front walkway landscaped and it looks sooooo much better than the railroad ties that lined the front. I dug them up and used them in the garden.

2. We finally broke down and bought a lawn tractor and can mow our lawn in like 30 minutes compared to 2-3 days with the push mower. We are inching ever so closer to being the farming family. My next big purchase will be a drum composter, uh huh, one of the big honkin' ones that will make black gold, Texas tea! The next thing ya know ol' Jed's a millionaire!

3. We moved the chickens to their coop and they are all still alive. This is really amazing to me.

4. The kids and I spent all day Monday moving brush and burning it in the fire pit. I'm seriously thinking about starting a little firewood business. We have so many dead trees to cut up. If anyone wants firewood come get it.

5. I started to tame the hill where all the iris, day lilly and forsythia have grown into one big
tangled mess.

It was just a great few days to be outside. I love the gardening torture...sore hands, sore back, black boogers, aching feet, filthy clothes. It's my happy place.

Ellen is destined to be some sort of horticulture guru. After about five hours of working outside we were still raking and hauling leaves and she said, "I like it when we work outside, it makes me fill like I really accomplished something". She begged to work outside yesterday, while it was raining. Geesh! Take a break girl. She loves the tractor more than I do.

Okay, back to work..."Kids? Did you get that laundry done?!! I'm slaving away in here, don't disappoint me!"

Blogger spell check is worthless.

ps. I know I promised pictures of Edna and the garden, but it takes about 15-30 minutes to publish each picture and this Mamma just has no patience for that right now. Stay tuned, I'll do it eventually.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Wisdom and Maturity

I can't believe more of you don't have anything to say about my "mud on the tires" blog, but okay..I'm not in the least bit concerned. Pardon me while I wipe another tear from my cheek and catch the snot dripping onto my keyboard.

A typical conversation between the two adults in my house;

A-(sniffing like a hound dog around herself) I smell something bad and something good.

C- Are they both me?


C- You should blog that.

A- What? That I smell something bad and good?

C- No. What I said.

A- But, you wouldn't have said it, if I wouldn't have asked.

C- I'm still funnier.

A- Yes, and you're still a bigger...

C- Honey, don't say something your going to regret.

A- Moron.

C- Oh, now honey, you didn't have to go and..

A- Remember the time I accidentally threw the t.v remote at your nose?

C- (does slow motion action of remote crashing into his nose)

A- We don't want to repeat that, do we?

C- What would people think if they heard our conversations?

A- That I'm right and your wrong.

C- April, you're only hurting yourself.

A- I think I'm gonna hurt.....

C- No. Nip it.

C & A- (wrestle ruthlessly)

A- (in her most pathetic whine) Ouch! That hurts! Stop! You're gonna give me a bruise!

C- (holds up his index finger and crooked pinky finger) You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

A- Look at your crooked finger! (holds her finger in a bent fashion mocking C) Dur! Hur! Hi, I'm Clay with the deformed finger! You mess with me and I'll give you a crooked pinky horn!

C & A- (look at the bent finger and commence to hysterics)

C- We're stupid.

A- I know. What's that smell? I think it's me!

Monday, May 01, 2006


Jandy you are so awesome! Thanks for my new look. I can't believe I was able to follow your instructions.